The Future.

I see her face. Light skin; blonde hair that brushes her shoulders. Almond-shaped eyes. They're blue. Beautiful blue. She has a smile that brightens a dark room. She's beautiful. 

How old is she? Maybe two; three, or even four. Her size doesn't give any clues. She's small for her age, likely due to malnutrition and a poor diet. 

She has no family to call her own. She has loving arms that take care of her now; but it isn't forever. They can't commit for that long. For forever. 

I see her face on a regular basis. Continual, even. Never in person; not yet. Right now she's just an image in my mind. An image of someone I have yet to meet. Maybe I will some day. 

My friends - if you don't have a relationship with God, you'll have no concept or understanding of this post. The girl I see on a daily basis is an image from God. I've had my heart open to adopting a girl with Down Syndrome for years. Yes, years. Even before our fostering journey began. I will be honest in saying that my heart has no desire to foster any more. God says "she" won't be found that way. Fostering is beyond stressful. My body can't take it. This past year showed me that. People think I'm crazy for considering a child with special needs, saying that it will be 10 times more stressful than what I dealt with this past year. 

But when you're called, you answer. 

Maybe not now. Maybe ten years from now. 

But I still see her face. Her beautiful face with blue eyes the color of the sky. 

My beautiful girl. I'm waiting for you to come home. And someday, she will. 

Lupus.

If you don't want to hear me gripe and complain, then you shouldn't read this.
But having an invisible disease takes its toll - and I need to vent.
If you want to get a glimpse of a day in the life of lupus, then read on.

My day often starts with stiffness.  I wake up and turn off my alarm to get ready for work.  My joints pop and crack.  The stiffness usually only lasts an hour or less, which I'm grateful for.  If I sit down for more than 30 minutes, it returns and I have to start all over.

I usually have miscellaneous pain during the day, which I take Meloxicam to help control (and it does, to a great extent).  Of course, I also take tart cherry extract and MSM as supplements, which also help alleviate pain.  I'll have pain in my elbows, hips (very common), fingers, wrists, ankles, toes, arches of my feet, my shins (seriously), my spine, etc.  Thankfully, most of the pain doesn't last long (maybe an hour or less).  Sometimes I get headaches too, and those are really bad.  They make it hard to concentrate.

My toes and fingers will also go numb out of nowhere sometimes.  About a week ago the last joint on my thumb was numb.  Thumb-numb.  Hey it rhymes! :D I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.

Then there's the fatigue.  THE most debilitating symptom of all.  I have good days and bad days.  And sleep doesn't make a difference.  I can induce myself to sleep by taking Benadryl and wake up feeling no more rested than I did when I laid down.  Common occurrence.  I'm thankful to have a primary doctor that is willing to meet my needs when my Rheumatologist isn't able by prescribing me a stimulant to get through the "bad days."  And yes, I take Vitamin B, Vitamin D (4000 IU/day), green tea, etc. etc.  On a bad day, nothing makes a difference.  No supplements, no amount of water, green tea, or coffee.  Nothing makes a difference on a bad day.  That's why they're bad days.

Then there's the sun sensitivity.  And the lupus rash.  At this moment my cheeks look like I've been sunburned - but I actually avoid the sun like the plague.  Because 30 minutes in the sun doesn't faze a "normal" person, but it will give me a sunburn and physically make my skin FEEL like it's burning.  Itches really bad too.  My cheeks also get really dry and scaly for no reason - and nothing makes a difference with that either.  No "special" moisturizer, no "expensive" facial cleanser.  It's just me.  It's just my lupus.

I take a total of 17 vitamins, supplements, and prescriptions every day.  Before I started taking the supplements and vitamins I was in pain 99% of my day.  The fatigue was unbearable - to the point where I could hardly keep my eyes open if I wasn't physically doing something.  The fatigue still sucks, but it isn't nearly as bad as it used to be.

I've determined there's no point in hiding my lupus.  There's no point in pretending "I'm ok" and "I feel fine."  Because the truth is, some days I just feel like crap.  Some days I hurt all over and feel like I have the flu (like today, for example) - but have no other symptoms except body aches.  Every joint hurts.  Some days I just have to come home and curl up on the couch with heavy clothes and blankets because the pain is so bad and I'm so cold (temperature sensitivity happens frequently too).

Some days I honestly think I should invest in a cane.  A pretty cane.  Maybe hot pink and lime green with groovy flowers on it.  Because there are some days when I walk like an 80 year old woman because my joints are so stiff, and it's hard to walk.

So if you see me moving slow and hear my joints pop and crack after sitting for 30 minutes or more; or hear me make noises like an old woman - just know I'm not acting.  Lupus is real, and it sucks.  But I know God gave me these symptoms to lift up others.  To help others see that with Him all things truly ARE possible.

I don't know where lupus will take me - but I know God is with me every step of the way; and there is NOTHING to hard for Him.