To Cherish, Upon Regret

As I finish up a bedtime story with my Micah-B, he asks, "can we snuggle?" Even though it's late, I can't say no! These four years have flown by so quickly, and no matter how much I wish for those days when I could hold him in one arm, those days will never come back. Not with my Micah-B. With him being our first, I was determined to do everything perfect, enforcing sleeping in his own crib at three weeks (because I wasn't getting ANY sleep with him next to me), putting him on a feeding schedule (largely unsuccessful due to his horrid reflux), etc. etc. Maybe time just changes things - maybe there are things that only experienced mommas know - but if I could turn back the clock, I would have spent more time holding his tiny fragile body; more time caressing his tender, soft skin (which thankfully he still has!); more time breathing in that sweet baby scent; and more time just being close to him. So many regrets! But he's not my only baby I have regrets with. I have regrets with Baby A too. I have regrets with Baby J. I regret not making myself emotionally available to them. I regret seeing "order" and "scheduling" and a clean house more important than their needs. 

Moving forward, I don't want to be afraid to fall in love. I don't want to be afraid that the floor will just NOT get vacuumed this week. I don't want to be afraid that I'll get attached to my fosters. I realized upon finding out that Baby A is getting adopted that I missed out because I sheltered my heart from losing her. The old adage, "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all," is true. Because my heart aches for "what could have been" in her short stay with us if I wasn't so harsh. If I wasn't so guarded. If I wasn't so uptight. So many regrets, and it just hurts. 

Several years ago a singer (and momma of 10 children!) came to our church. I was pregnant at the time and asked for her advice.  She told me, "cherish them while they're young." It's something you can't understand until you see them grow, then hope to do better with the next one. Children grow so quickly. There is never enough time. 

If you're being called to foster, don't be afraid to love. God wasn't afraid to love you, even though He already knew you'd break His heart someday. It's selfish to stay out of a ministry that DESPERATELY needs workers because you're afraid you'll get hurt. It's also selfish to hold back love that a child deserves because of the same reason. I've been selfish. Foolishly selfish. But I'm determined to be different the next time around. God, please help me to be different! Help me to love those children the way you love me!

Because life is too short, and each day is a gift. A precious experience that can never be re-lived. 

Cherish:  to care for tenderly; nurture: to cherish a child