Miracle Baby

From time to time I like to go into our spare bedroom and reminisce on all the people that have stayed in there.  Some for a day; others for a week; others for months.  About 10 people have stayed in that spare bedroom for one reason or another.  I love that about our house.  I always want to have an open door to someone who needs one.  Now I have something new to think about - preparing that room for another baby.  Not a baby that will come and possibly go back to their birth family - but a baby that will stay forever.

For those that don't know, let me provide a back-story.
When I was a few months pregnant with Micah, I was miserable.  I was gaining too much weight; I was labeled high-risk and had doctors appointments that lasted at least one hour at least every other week.  I was exhausted.  My sinuses were constantly under attack, leading to sneezing fits that pulled muscles in my rib cage.   I wasn't sleeping well, was horribly constipated, my feet were swollen, and everything was just - harder.  As I was laying on the table waiting for the nurse to check for my Micah's heartbeat, I heard God's voice say, "enjoy this moment Lauren - you may never get to experience it again."  Words SO clear and SO profound, they brought tears to my eyes.

When Micah was about 3-4 months old, Ray and I started trying for baby #2.  Yes, we were crazy; but we were crazy in love with this little boy and wanted another SO bad.  Months went by.  Then a year.  Eighteen months.  No pregnancy.  My prayers at that time sounded something like,

God, please let me get pregnant.  Not our wills God - but yours be done.  If you don't want me to have another baby, please show us what we should do.  

Already, God had laid it on our hearts to adopt.  Fostering hadn't quite entered our minds yet.  After 18 months of infertility, I reached my breaking point.  I was so depressed and frustrated.  I just wanted another baby!!! I changed the words God said during my pregnancy with Micah to, "you WILL NEVER get to experience this again."  I changed God's words because it was easier to accept a for-sure "never" then a "maybe."  I didn't like the uncertainty.  God showed me through a study in Genesis that just like Sarah, I should be content with my only son - and grateful to boot!  I started focusing on all the negative things in my pregnancy instead of the positive aspects.  I ruminated on the negative to ease the pain.  Then, as God lead the right people into our path - the pain was replaced with purpose. A purpose to reach out to the fatherless and the afflicted.  Hence, we started our foster care journey.  After six months of paperwork, training, and more paperwork - we were licensed in January of 2014.  My prayers changed then.

God, please lead the right children to our home.  Keep them safe - meet all their needs.  Take care of them and take away their fears.  Help us to be the foster parents we need to be.  

After our first couple placements (three boys, one girl), that all lasted six weeks or less, my prayer changed again.

God, please give me a little girl that will steal my heart and stay forever.  

Then baby A came and she wore me out.  My lupus went into a downward spiral.  I was exhausted.  I was burned out.  I needed a break - and that's exactly what we did.

It wasn't until February 2015 that we decided to go back on the openings list.  After paperwork, time, and more paperwork - we were one week away from having a home inspection and going back on the active list.  My prayers changed again:

God, please let the right little one to our home that will blend in perfectly with our family.  A child that will get along well with Micah and would be a perfect addition to our family.  

Mind you - a biological baby was never, NEVER on my mind.  Having another baby hasn't been on my radar in two years.  So when I came down with severe vomiting and stomach pain - I was concerned (and so was my doctor).  My doctor was concerned I had pancreatitis; not a completely unknown issue with lupus.  He ran stat blood work and ordered a stat CT scan the same day, telling me to come back to his office when I was finished to go over the results.  When I was getting ready to go in for my CT scan, my doctor comes into the room from out of nowhere (seriously - he had to have run from his office to the CT room to get there in time), and he tells me I had a positive pregnancy test.  Was I happy?  Not in the least.  My first words were - "are you kidding me?" and "well my life sucks."  Keep in mind the past two years have been filled with all the negative things about pregnancy.  I thought about the negatives to get through the pain of infertility.  But now that it has sunk in - and I'm nine weeks along - I can truly say that this is a miracle baby.

Four years of infertility.
One of those years on birth control to regulate my hormones (which didn't work).
Two months off of birth control, only one real "cycle" occurring (I didn't have a period in February at all).
I have active lupus.
The chances of pregnancy in my book?  Slim to none.  Even my doctors had never done a pregnancy test before that day.

But it seems God is always on time.  All those prayers I prayed all those years ago - He's answered them.  My heart is joyful.  I am grateful.  I am blessed, because I am chosen.

"He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children.PRAISE YE THE LORD." Psalm 113:9

Least of These

"Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." Matthew 25:34-40

Who doesn't love a baby? Most people do. Sweet chubby cheeks, tender smiles and giggles, that wonderful smell of baby powder after a diaper change. What's not to love? 

But what is the value of a baby in the economy? They can't work. They can't earn a living. Depending on the age, they can do very little to nothing for themselves. They consume, they cry, they demand attention. They could be considered the "least" as far as economical value and worth is concerned. The value is in the eye of the beholder; wrapped with strong ties of emotion and that warm fuzzy feeling you get inside when an innocent baby smiles at you. They may be the least to some - but to someone else, they are the greatest. 

Children in foster care could be considered the least. Most (like 99% as an my non-educated guess) come with serious baggage. They have out-of-control tantrums. They're sick and have a constant runny nose. They scream for no reason at the top of their lungs. They're inconsolable to your touch, because they've never been soothed before. They bang their heads on the floor or self-harm.  You can almost always guarantee they have a history clouded by abuse and neglect in one form or another. They are the least; the smallest thought on our enormous list of things to deal with and consider. But the least should be greatest. 

I was watching an old rerun of the show Reba today, mostly because Ray just happened to stop on that channel. The episode was filmed after hurricane Katrina. Reba had a large black family living under her roof as refugees from the devastation. She was stressed. She wanted to give up. Then the refugee mom pointed to Matthew 25:35 in her Bible and read it aloud. I cried. So much is sacrificed when you open your home to foster children; but it astonishes me to think that those sweet faces I cried over, the runny noses I wiped countless times, the weekly trips to the doctor, the messes, putting up with the screams, the ridiculous tantrums, my fruitless attempts at preventing the self-harming - they were all for Jesus. Good gracious - how quick I would be to wipe the nose of Jesus if He were sick! I would clean up His messes with JOY because He cleaned up the mess I made of my life. To think that everything I dealt with and went through with those five children last year was for Him - it was undeniably worth it. The least of these. Sweet children who didn't have a choice. Children who were forced to cope in whatever way possible, even if that meant eating trash off the floor for some means of sustenance. 

This is real folks. I've been called - you've been called. We're supposed to care for the least of these. Maybe you can't be a foster parent; but can you pray for those that are? Can you provide a meal for a foster mom that just got a new placement? Can you buy diapers? Can you help the single foster mom catch up on housework? You might not be called to be a foster parent - but you've been called to serve the least of these. Not for the foster parents; not for the child; but for Gods Kingdom. For Gods Glory. After all - He did it for us when we were there. We owe Him the same. 

To Cherish, Upon Regret

As I finish up a bedtime story with my Micah-B, he asks, "can we snuggle?" Even though it's late, I can't say no! These four years have flown by so quickly, and no matter how much I wish for those days when I could hold him in one arm, those days will never come back. Not with my Micah-B. With him being our first, I was determined to do everything perfect, enforcing sleeping in his own crib at three weeks (because I wasn't getting ANY sleep with him next to me), putting him on a feeding schedule (largely unsuccessful due to his horrid reflux), etc. etc. Maybe time just changes things - maybe there are things that only experienced mommas know - but if I could turn back the clock, I would have spent more time holding his tiny fragile body; more time caressing his tender, soft skin (which thankfully he still has!); more time breathing in that sweet baby scent; and more time just being close to him. So many regrets! But he's not my only baby I have regrets with. I have regrets with Baby A too. I have regrets with Baby J. I regret not making myself emotionally available to them. I regret seeing "order" and "scheduling" and a clean house more important than their needs. 

Moving forward, I don't want to be afraid to fall in love. I don't want to be afraid that the floor will just NOT get vacuumed this week. I don't want to be afraid that I'll get attached to my fosters. I realized upon finding out that Baby A is getting adopted that I missed out because I sheltered my heart from losing her. The old adage, "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all," is true. Because my heart aches for "what could have been" in her short stay with us if I wasn't so harsh. If I wasn't so guarded. If I wasn't so uptight. So many regrets, and it just hurts. 

Several years ago a singer (and momma of 10 children!) came to our church. I was pregnant at the time and asked for her advice.  She told me, "cherish them while they're young." It's something you can't understand until you see them grow, then hope to do better with the next one. Children grow so quickly. There is never enough time. 

If you're being called to foster, don't be afraid to love. God wasn't afraid to love you, even though He already knew you'd break His heart someday. It's selfish to stay out of a ministry that DESPERATELY needs workers because you're afraid you'll get hurt. It's also selfish to hold back love that a child deserves because of the same reason. I've been selfish. Foolishly selfish. But I'm determined to be different the next time around. God, please help me to be different! Help me to love those children the way you love me!

Because life is too short, and each day is a gift. A precious experience that can never be re-lived. 

Cherish:  to care for tenderly; nurture: to cherish a child

The Future.

I see her face. Light skin; blonde hair that brushes her shoulders. Almond-shaped eyes. They're blue. Beautiful blue. She has a smile that brightens a dark room. She's beautiful. 

How old is she? Maybe two; three, or even four. Her size doesn't give any clues. She's small for her age, likely due to malnutrition and a poor diet. 

She has no family to call her own. She has loving arms that take care of her now; but it isn't forever. They can't commit for that long. For forever. 

I see her face on a regular basis. Continual, even. Never in person; not yet. Right now she's just an image in my mind. An image of someone I have yet to meet. Maybe I will some day. 

My friends - if you don't have a relationship with God, you'll have no concept or understanding of this post. The girl I see on a daily basis is an image from God. I've had my heart open to adopting a girl with Down Syndrome for years. Yes, years. Even before our fostering journey began. I will be honest in saying that my heart has no desire to foster any more. God says "she" won't be found that way. Fostering is beyond stressful. My body can't take it. This past year showed me that. People think I'm crazy for considering a child with special needs, saying that it will be 10 times more stressful than what I dealt with this past year. 

But when you're called, you answer. 

Maybe not now. Maybe ten years from now. 

But I still see her face. Her beautiful face with blue eyes the color of the sky. 

My beautiful girl. I'm waiting for you to come home. And someday, she will. 

Lupus.

If you don't want to hear me gripe and complain, then you shouldn't read this.
But having an invisible disease takes its toll - and I need to vent.
If you want to get a glimpse of a day in the life of lupus, then read on.

My day often starts with stiffness.  I wake up and turn off my alarm to get ready for work.  My joints pop and crack.  The stiffness usually only lasts an hour or less, which I'm grateful for.  If I sit down for more than 30 minutes, it returns and I have to start all over.

I usually have miscellaneous pain during the day, which I take Meloxicam to help control (and it does, to a great extent).  Of course, I also take tart cherry extract and MSM as supplements, which also help alleviate pain.  I'll have pain in my elbows, hips (very common), fingers, wrists, ankles, toes, arches of my feet, my shins (seriously), my spine, etc.  Thankfully, most of the pain doesn't last long (maybe an hour or less).  Sometimes I get headaches too, and those are really bad.  They make it hard to concentrate.

My toes and fingers will also go numb out of nowhere sometimes.  About a week ago the last joint on my thumb was numb.  Thumb-numb.  Hey it rhymes! :D I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.

Then there's the fatigue.  THE most debilitating symptom of all.  I have good days and bad days.  And sleep doesn't make a difference.  I can induce myself to sleep by taking Benadryl and wake up feeling no more rested than I did when I laid down.  Common occurrence.  I'm thankful to have a primary doctor that is willing to meet my needs when my Rheumatologist isn't able by prescribing me a stimulant to get through the "bad days."  And yes, I take Vitamin B, Vitamin D (4000 IU/day), green tea, etc. etc.  On a bad day, nothing makes a difference.  No supplements, no amount of water, green tea, or coffee.  Nothing makes a difference on a bad day.  That's why they're bad days.

Then there's the sun sensitivity.  And the lupus rash.  At this moment my cheeks look like I've been sunburned - but I actually avoid the sun like the plague.  Because 30 minutes in the sun doesn't faze a "normal" person, but it will give me a sunburn and physically make my skin FEEL like it's burning.  Itches really bad too.  My cheeks also get really dry and scaly for no reason - and nothing makes a difference with that either.  No "special" moisturizer, no "expensive" facial cleanser.  It's just me.  It's just my lupus.

I take a total of 17 vitamins, supplements, and prescriptions every day.  Before I started taking the supplements and vitamins I was in pain 99% of my day.  The fatigue was unbearable - to the point where I could hardly keep my eyes open if I wasn't physically doing something.  The fatigue still sucks, but it isn't nearly as bad as it used to be.

I've determined there's no point in hiding my lupus.  There's no point in pretending "I'm ok" and "I feel fine."  Because the truth is, some days I just feel like crap.  Some days I hurt all over and feel like I have the flu (like today, for example) - but have no other symptoms except body aches.  Every joint hurts.  Some days I just have to come home and curl up on the couch with heavy clothes and blankets because the pain is so bad and I'm so cold (temperature sensitivity happens frequently too).

Some days I honestly think I should invest in a cane.  A pretty cane.  Maybe hot pink and lime green with groovy flowers on it.  Because there are some days when I walk like an 80 year old woman because my joints are so stiff, and it's hard to walk.

So if you see me moving slow and hear my joints pop and crack after sitting for 30 minutes or more; or hear me make noises like an old woman - just know I'm not acting.  Lupus is real, and it sucks.  But I know God gave me these symptoms to lift up others.  To help others see that with Him all things truly ARE possible.

I don't know where lupus will take me - but I know God is with me every step of the way; and there is NOTHING to hard for Him.

Reason.

I can't say the past week has been easy. I can say that having an "equivocal" result in my bloodwork was the last thing I thought I would hear. The worst thing. Lupus is a horrible disease. But now my symptoms have a name. 

I won't lie - it can be very discouraging and depressing to think I have lupus. I've struggled with widespread pain and exhaustion for 10+ years. I went through tests upon tests upon tests as a kid to determine the "why" of it all, without ever finding out why. But now I know why. At least, I know the cause of my debilitating symptoms. I can deal with the pain. The fatigue is the worst. No amount of caffeine helps. No amount of green tea. Nothing helps the fatigue. I just have to muddle through the day until I can crash - hoping that tomorrow will be better. But I really never know if it will be. 

Job had some major issues in his life. He lost everything - family, friends; even his own wife told him to "curse God and die." He was covered in boils and blisters at one point and was miserable beyond comprehension. 

But he stayed faithful. 

"My foot hath held his steps, his way have I kept, and not declined." Job 23:11

I like how Job mentions in chapter 23 that God remained in control of his situation. 

"But he knoweth the way that I take; when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. For he performeth the thing that is appointed for me: and many such things are with him." Job 23:10,14

Job also mentions that God chose to lead Job into the darkness. He didn't keep him from it. 

"For God maketh my heart soft, and the Almighty troubleth me: because I was not cut off before the darkness, neither hath he covered the darkness from my face." Job 23:17

God doesn't always promise deliverance from tough situations. He doesn't promise it will be easy. God does promise - and has promised to me - that he will be with me and walk with me through this. 

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

God is with me through this. I know I'm in his hands - through my "good" days, and especially during the awful ones. 

I will choose this day to praise Him - no matter the circumstance. 

The Day She Became Mine

For those that read my last blog post and responded with prayer - I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  God has spoken to me SO much the past two weeks and has shown me His unfailing, undying love and care for me.  Thank you for your prayers for my weak heart; they were heard.

I love shopping.  Especially sales.  And thrift stores.  On Monday of last week I took a couple hours off and spent some much-needed time with my husband.  The first stop was Cracker Barrel (one of my favorite places - food and shopping combined!!!) They were having a 75% off sale on select clothing.  I saw this adorable onesie that was completely girlified with pink ruffles and a ruffled hedgehog on the front.  It was on sale for $2! I couldn't resist.  I had to buy it.  Last Saturday Ray and I had some foster parent training and were released early, so we stopped by the Thrift Store in Plano to get Micah some clothes.  I was rummaging through the miscellaneous baggies of different parts and pieces and came across an adorable little purse baby rattle, still in the package.  It was $3.  But I hesitated.  Fear passed through my veins.  Why, you ask?

Because if I buy something specifically for her (other than the necessities), I'm taking a risk.
The risk that I'll get attached.
The risk that I'll get attached and have to let her go tomorrow.
The risk that my heart will be broken.
Yes, true fear came over me when I considered buying the rattle.  Truthfully, I haven't bought anything for baby A that wasn't a necessity up until this point.  All the clothes I have for her were donated; they hold no sentimental aspect for me.

But that onesie...that rattle...spending a measly $5 for baby A...that made her mine.

I would never have given a second thought to buying Micah a toy similar to that when he was a baby.  Because I knew he wasn't going anywhere.  I knew he wouldn't be moving to someone else's house.  I knew he wouldn't be taken away.  I treasured every moment (and still do) with my Micah.  Because he's mine.  He's my only son.  I carried him for nine months and sang to him daily.  He's a part of me and always will be.

I didn't carry baby A for nine months.  I didn't even know her name until she showed up at my front door.  But since day one she's had a connection with me.  From that first smile she gave me, I knew it.

She may not be mine forever.  I may have to let her go tomorrow.  But for today - she's mine.  She's my daughter.  And the joy that brings me is indescribable.

Thank you for your prayers, friends.  This ministry is a very hard one.  But I'm thankful for the joy that God has provided.

"Then he said unto them, Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions unto them for whom nothing is prepared: for this day is holy unto our Lord: neither be ye sorry; 

for the joy of the LORD is your strength." 

Nehemiah 8:10