These questions are fine and in general haven't bothered me. When conceiving the second time around doesn't, well, come around - the questions can be very draining to answer. Not that Ray and I have not "attempted" or "tried" to have another baby - truth be told, we haven't used any method of birth control since Micah was just 6 months old. Obviously, we don't have another baby. There are no announcements to make - no "new baby excitement" going on in our lives. Having this "difficulty," of sorts, has made me very depressed lately. I always loved the thought of having a large family with several children. With my work in Early Intenvention, those are my favorite families to work with. There's always something happening with a large family. Always something going on. There's just a method of excitement and energy with a large family. I love that.
When I was about four months along with Micah I can remember laying on the table in the doctor's office waiting for the nurse to find the heartbeat of my precious little boy. I admit, I was absolutely miserable during my pregnancy. I complained a lot during my pregnancy. My feet hurt, I was gaining too much weight, I was exhausted, my allergies were horrible, etc. etc. All at once this thought came to my mind - not really a thought, but a voice. "Enjoy this pregnancy Lauren - because its the only one you'll ever have."
And that was it. The thought was so profound and so blunt that it brought tears to my eyes. I didn't know what to think. Was it just my crazy pregnant brain playing tricks on me? Was it God's voice? But here I am, 18 months of trying to conceive (and no baby) - and that voice seems to be true.
But the Lord is still good. He has encouraged my heart in many ways this past week. I've been very blessed by the story of Abraham and Sarah. Sarah waited decades to have her little boy Issac - and even though Abraham went on to have more children after Sarah died, Issac was still the promised son. God's promise didn't change after the other children came along. Jesus wasn't an only child either; Mary and Joseph also had other children - yet the one you hear the most about is Jesus (for more reasons than one). All that to say that the Lord has assured me that I don't have to have several children to make a difference in the world for Christ. It's very, very hard to not get jealous when I see my friends having child after child with seemingly no effort at all. But the Lord never said that "you have to have lots of children to be blessed." The Lord did say, however that "the fruit of the womb is His reward" - and with that I know that I've been rewarded.
Micah is an awesome little guy. I love him more than I thought I could ever love a person. But at least while we're "waiting" to have another child (if its in God's will we do) - it is in a sense a little easier to serve God both financially and socially. As awesome as my son is - I probably couldn't take him to volunteer at a soup kitchen (just yet!) But I can teach him slowly through small amounts of service at church what it means to be a servant of God. The name Micah means "one who is like God" - and at least for now, for the time being - Ray and I have more of an opportunity to rear him in the way he should go.
One of the hardest things in life is waiting. It's hard to wait on God. But that's what he wants me to do. Just wait. God doesn't have the same timelines as I do, but His will is perfect. This has been a very hard lesson for me to learn; but I'm thankful for His patience with me as He molds me into His perfect plan.
