The never ending home study

Got a phone call today from the lady (Marie) that completed our home study in October (and the one who asked Ray more questions in November). She told me that the agency is asking for more "clarification" on "some items" and we needed to schedule another time that she can come out and get these clarifications taken care of. The closest date that our schedules worked together was Thursday, January 16th at 4:00pm. 

After getting off the phone with Marie, I have to admit that I was deflated and very discouraged. Some of the thoughts that ran through my head were:

"Are we doing the right thing?"

"What happens if they still turn us down after this?"

"Maybe we should just quit - but then what?"

Then I remembered something. The devil wants us to get discouraged. The devil wants us to quit. He wants to see our hopes demolished. He wants us to forget our purpose. Most of all - he wants every orphan to stay an orphan indefinitely. He doesn't want us to give an orphan a family. 

I'm stubborn enough to not let the devil win. He will NOT steal my joy in this trial. God will prevail. God hasn't forgotten us. God is still leading us, and in His time, the right children will come into our home. Not all of the children we meet will become a part of our forever family - but we WILL make a difference in their lives for Gods glory. 

Onward we go. 

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7

"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost." Romans 15:13

An update on "the process"

The title is appropriate in naming it "a process."  We were going full steam ahead, getting things turned in as fast as possible, only to be doing nothing but waiting for over a month now.  Our home study was completed on October 17th, but our agency wanted more information on Ray's background, his motivations for adopting, etc. etc.  Scheduling "difficulties" resulted in these questions not getting answered until last Monday.  Now, we wait some more.  The home study report is probably at least 30 pages and details everything about our lives (past, present, future), so I suppose I can understand why it takes so long.  Still - to be rushing through everything and now hurry up and WAIT - I find it difficult.  The past three months of our lives have been revolving around foster/adoption - and when that process comes to a standstill, what is there left to do but pray?

Even though I had my hopes on being licensed and having another child by Thanksgiving, God was pushing me to go to Huntsville for a break.  My parents own land down there (it was where my dad grew up), and it's truly a beautiful place to just get away from it all.  Break habits.  Change the schedule for a couple days.  I was hesitant to go - but God told me to - so I went.  I admit that I desperately needed that time away.  I needed time to breathe in some fresh country air.  I needed to forget about the stress of the foster/adoption.  I feel like such a weenie for saying that, considering our process has been virtually seamless thus far - but nevertheless, the devil always finds a way to discourage those that are weak.

We had set up the pack n' play in Micah's bedroom, both for the home study and for Micah to get used to its presence (in the hopes that we would be licensed by Thanksgiving).  As I was cleaning last Saturday, I decided to pack it back up and set it against a wall in Micah's room.  I've been contemplating changing Micah's crib into the toddler bed; a decision I've been putting off because I figured we would use the crib for a foster baby and just get Micah a new bed for Christmas.  But thinking through all of this, God spoke to my heart:

If you focus too much on the "next best thing," you'll miss out on the blessings that are right in front of you.  

Of course, Paul states that we should be anxious for nothing - that we should be content with what we have - but I suppose I've lost my grasp on those truths over the past couple months.  Sometimes I can be so foolish; a forgetful girl that loses sight of God's promises.  God didn't ask me to put my entire life on hold as we go through this process - so life will go on.  The pack n' play will stay put away until it's needed.  Micah's crib will be converted into the toddler bed.  And just like every trying period in life - my focus needs to be on HIM.  The wait may be hard - but He has the best plans in mind.  I need to remember this.

Precious Blessings

Each night Micah and I have our routine.  We read books, pray, turn on music, and turn on stars.  Some nights, Micah requests to "rock" in the chair with me.  Last Monday was such a night.  As Micah lays his head on my shoulder, I inhale deeply.  I treasure that sweet baby smell as I stroke his hair and kiss his soft skin.  Micah will always be my baby boy.

On Sunday our church family was broken to hear of the news of Cody.  The Hensley's have been members of our church for longer than Ray and I have been.  I've known Cody for years.  When the announcement was made as my Sunday school class was taking prayer requests, I broke into tears and had to excuse myself.

My friends - children are precious.  Every good parent knows it.  Every person should believe it.

The night before (last Saturday), I was telling Ray that I felt I needed a break from teaching Sunday school.  I've been teaching children at church for years - but I've grown weary.  My lesson last Sunday was about Daniel; but after hearing about Cody's passing, I knew I had to change it last minute.

I teach fourth and fifth graders in our church.  The majority of them are "bus kids" - kids that our bus ministry brings in.  Some of these kids have never heard about Jesus.  These kids don't know what it means to be Saved through faith in Him.  I knew Cody was a believer, and I knew he was in Heaven - but did these kids know that? No.  God told me without saying a word that it was now MY job to tell these kids who Jesus was.  I laid out the plan of salvation for those nine and 10-year olds.  And just like that - God reminded me of my purpose for teaching.  I may get weary - but I'm there to tell those kids who Jesus was and how He can give us the everlasting life after this life is over.

Cody was a sweet young man that I remember as always respectful and kind.  I saw him at VBS this past summer and remember telling Julie (his mom) - "when did he get so old?!" Cody had grown up into a fine and handsome young man that I was proud to know.  He was a great kid, and will always be remembered as such.

My grief this past week wasn't so much over Cody's passing - but it was for his mom, Julie.  As a mom with one son, my heart can't fathom the pain of losing him.  Every time I would think about the accident, or think about Cody, I would picture myself in Julie's shoes.  As a mom, my heart is broken for her.  My heart ached when I saw the pictures of the accident.  My eyes wept when I saw his casket this morning.  I saw a former member of our church at the funeral today, and while hugging my neck she said, "they are all our babies, aren't they?" It's true.  Once you become a parent, it doesn't matter the age difference - we are all the parents of the children at our church, big and small.  Through this tragedy we have all come together in our hearts and wept with Julie over the passing of Cody.  My heart weeps for her even now.

This year has been a year of sadness.  Sweet Jesse was the first, then my Addi-Beau, and now Cody.  I also found out this past week that one of my ECI babies is in the last stages of his disease.  I pray that his parents will be able to give him one more Christmas.  These losses remind me of who is in control.  Every day is a gift.  Children are a precious privilege.  If you have children in your life, hug them tighter.  And since we are all God's children - we all deserve a hug.  Don't miss an opportunity to say "I love you" to someone.  It may be the last time you have the chance.

Please continue to pray for the Hensley family.  Pray deeply.

Six Months

Tomorrow will mark six months since sweet Jesse went home.  I've been thinking about it all week.  I'll never forget the day I got the news.  I'll never forget that sweet face.  Sweet Jesse was such a blessing and a light to my soul, if only for a moment.

I reflect back on the past six months of this year, and they've been rough.  Shortly after Jesse went home, I had to let my Addi Beau, my sweet Deaf Boxer boy, go as well due to two strokes (and probably a brain tumor as the culprit).  April and May were very, very rough months for me.  The following months after Jesse and Addi's passing, my heart was deeply wounded.  Many non-Christians often think that a loving God would never let "bad things happen to good people." But God was working.  It was during those months that I had to lean on Him to see me through.  God broke my heart by taking away three things - a sweet precious baby, my dog I had rescued and loved for eight years, and the dreams of having another baby of my own.  Yes, I can say that God "took" them - because all things belong to Him in the first place.  God's plan is always perfect.  God never makes mistakes.  If my heart wasn't broken - if I had no where to turn but Him - my heart would have never opened up to children in need.

Six months.  That seems like such a short period of time, but so much has happened.

God is still working.  With every orphan child's face I see, I'm reminded of how much God loves them.  Sweet children - who never asked for their situation;  never asked for their circumstances that have led them to where they are.  Innocent lives that deserve a better tomorrow.  God never closes one door without opening another.  He closed the door on portions of my life these past six months to open my eyes to what blessings lie ahead.

"...nevertheless I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day." 2 Timothy 1:12

Home Study, etc.

Tonight after reading our Bible story and saying prayers, Micah sat in my lap and was playing with my hair (if only he could really "picks it" ((fix it)) like he says he is).  I pointed to the playpen I have set up in his room and asked, "Micah, what is that in here for?" He pondered for a minute, then said, "mmm....poster tid?" (foster kids).  I am so humbled by my sons love for others.  Over the past several weeks we have truly seen him blossom in his love and care for others.  That kind of spirit can be taught - but I believe it is mostly a gift from the Almighty Himself.  Only God can love others unconditionally - and my sweet son is a picture of that love.  Love without discrepancy - love without prejudice.  I love how my son loves.

Just had to brag on my boy for a minute.  Now to the juicy details of our home study that so many are wondering about.  :)

Our home study was scheduled for 5:00 last Thursday.  At 5:00, I get a call from our "home study person" (I don't know what her title is, honestly) saying that she was coming from the Denton area and was running late.

I went to school in Denton for five years....I knew she wouldn't be there until close to 6:00.  Sure enough, I was right.  She said she wanted to make up for lost time, so she would try to get through the interview questions before walking through the house.  The interviews went fine (it was separated into a couple interview and individual interviews).  After the interviews, she did the walk through our house.

Let me pause here to say that Ray and I were truly expecting (and planned for) a thorough walk through - with the "person" opening every door, every drawer, checking every single detail on every one of the checklists that we were given as a guide (there are about five checklists that go into what is required for fostering).  Expecting her to go through our house with these checklists, I nearly memorized all of them to ensure every detail was complete.  So - I was more than a little shocked when she handed ME the checklists and told me to fill them out and sign at the bottom.  Shocked.  This wasn't the intrusive home study we were imagining at all.  So much of it was based on the honor system - which I guess makes sense considering we are dealing with a Christian agency.

We were told ahead of time that the home study would take 4-6 hours to complete.  Ours lasted about three hours.  I think this was partially due to the fact that it didn't actually begin until 6:00 and our "person" was probably tired.  Not only did she drive from the Denton area, but she also worked a full day prior to that.  I would be exhausted too!  I did truly appreciate her coming out though.  She was very kind, considerate, and didn't judge.  I felt like we could be open and honest with her, and we were.

I knew going through the home study that SO many people were praying for us.  I know that the home study wouldn't have gone as smoothly as it did if the prayers weren't there.  We serve an awesome God folks! He has met our every need through this process and I know He will continue to do so.

So, what's next? Well - at this point we are about 1-2 weeks from being licensed.  We have our last training on Thursday evening.  After that, it's just a waiting game.  Waiting on "the call."  Waiting on God to bring us the right children He wants us to care for.

I do have one more prayer request, however.  The last thing we have to turn in is a couple book reports.  Really, these aren't even long enough to be considered "reports."  They are just paragraphs.  The painstaking part of this is (since its based on the honor system), we have to read a couple books.  These reports are the last piece of our foster-adoption-license-process.  And I *strongly dislike* reading! It's horrible!!! I made A's and B's in college - and that is due largely to the fact that I READ.  I read text books like there was no tomorrow.  But reading these books is SO difficult for me!  Please pray for me that I'll find the time and have the endurance to read these books so we can get licensed.  Its such a pitiful thing to lack for starting our ministry.

Thanks to all for the prayers and support - I can hardly wait to have another little blessing in our house.  :)

Tears of Joy

"Lord, thou hast heard the desire of the humble: thou wilt prepare their heart, thou wilt cause thine ear to hear: To judge the fatherless and the oppressed, that the man of the earth may no more oppress." Psalm 10:17-18

This verse plays in my mind over and over again as I consider where we are right now.  I got an email today letting us know that we have been assigned a "home study assessor," (if I could give her a title) that will be completing our home study.  We should be getting a call very soon from her to schedule our home study.  At this point, we are about four weeks away from being licensed as an "open" home.

As I read through the email detailing the elements of the home study and what to expect, I began to cry.  All I could think about was how God had heard my desire to have another child, and He has provided a way where there seemed to be no way.  Mind you - the journey to get here was a very painful one.  The pain of infertility can only be understood by one who has been through it.

God had to break me to bring me here.  He had to crush my dreams and help me discover new ones.  God created a person so broken that I had no reliance on anyone but Him.

God is my Provider.  It is only through His provision through many people that we have been able to come this far.  It is because of the generous hands of those around me that we will welcome a child (or two) into our home.  God only knows who those children are - but our hearts are ready for them.  Our hearts are waiting for them.  The heart within me that God broke is now fitting the pieces back together again.  He will show me the way to heal the hearts of children that come from hard places.  It is only by His strength - His will - His plan - His purpose - that I can accomplish anything and everything.

"For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him: And he is before all things, and by him all things consist. And he is the head of the body, the church: who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead; that in all things he might have the preeminence." Colossians 1:16-18

One step at at a time...

I can't believe we're already done with classes!  These past couple weeks went by so quickly.  I learned a TON about the foster care system, ways to handle behaviors, and got to brush up on my CPR/First aid.  I was already certified in infant and child CPR, but had to take the adult part (even though the procedure is essentially the same).  Either way, we are FINISHED with this part of the process!  I got an email yesterday from Jamie Green at Covenant Kids asking us if we were done with classes, and if so, we could get started on our home study.

HOLY CANOLI'S - Are we really that close?!

When Ray and I first decided on foster to adopt, we were open to "six months to three years old" of "Hispanic or Caucasian" ethnicity.  We admitted to each other today that we were both SO convicted during the classes on age and ethnicity.  Quite frankly, our choices were based on selfishness; we didn't want to be put out of place or feel uncomfortable.

What were we thinking? It's crazy to think that we, three-times-a-week church goers, would think such a thing about a child! Micah is the only white kid in a predominantly black daycare for crying out loud! So ridiculous and YES - very selfish.  We didn't expect to feel so convicted by the classes, but we definitely were.

SO...with that being said, we've widened our desires to 0-5, any ethnicity or gender.  We are also open to accepting a sibling group of two.  It's completely possible that I could wake up one day with my Micah - and the next day be a mom of three! I truly feel that we'll have children in our home by Christmas.  I have no factual basis to go along with that - but since we made the decision to go ahead and take classes in September (instead of February) back on 8-24-13, I've had a sense of urgency in my heart about everything.  And everything has rightly fallen into place too!

I still can't believe that I'm going to be a mom again.  And not just a mom....but a FOSTER mom to children who desperately need nurturing and care.  Ray and I may be the first people to take those children to church.  We may be the first people to read to them.  We may be the first people to pray with them.  We may be the only Jesus that they and their parents ever see.  This is a ministry.  This is a calling.  Something so profound and so life-changing that we never would have placed ourselves here.

I told my story about infertility in an earlier post.  I've come to realize that with every revelation, some form of heartache or heartbreak has to occur.  Whether it's the death of a loved one, or the death of a dream.  God had to break my heart to change it.  God brought me to a place where I had no where to turn but to Him.  I had to bury my dreams of having a second child biologically.  I had to place my hands in my Eternal Father - the Maker of the heavens - and give Him my dreams instead.

One thing that Ray and I have been so blessed by is how we seem to see adoption everywhere now.  We watched the movie The Odd Life of Timothy Green the other day.  The first part of the movie where they bury the dreams of their child made me cry.  That's what every struggling couple or woman essentially does when conception doesn't happen.  I consider Timothy the little glimmer of hope that God gives every person when we lay our dreams down at His feet.  And at the end of that hope - the end of my hope - is a child (or children!)  A sweet little boy or girl that is waiting for a forever family.  God has that child - those children - for us.

I want to be completely open and candid with every part of this process.  I know that so many people have questions that they will never seek answers for.  One of the biggest questions I had was finances.  When we first started considering adoption, we thought it was "way too expensive" for us and that we would have to save money for months in order to make it happen.  When I started doing my research and YES, asking lots of questions, I realized it wasn't impossible.  Foster to adoption isn't crazy expensive.  The things we've had to purchase are really just things that every home with children should have anyways - a diaper pail with lid (I just used an open trash can up until now), a fire extinguisher, baby locks for cabinets, locking storage for firearms, first aid kit, etc. etc.  Nothing seems outlandish or makes me say, "that's crazy!" The paperwork is the same way.  Yes, there is a LOT of it (about 20+ forms), but I was able to complete the majority of it within a day.  And all of it seems to make sense for any family!

Our agency has also been great too!  Ray and I got physicals done yesterday and our doctor told us that he had "heard great things about Covenant Kids."  Come to find out too that him and his wife actually started the process, but were told to wait another year.  I couldn't believe that my doctor had actually been familiar with Covenant Kids! Which also means my doctor is a Christian, and that's awesome too! :)

There's just no way that I could possibly write everything down.  I am fueled with motivation and eagerness to get everything done.  With that said - DON'T HESITATE TO ASK ANY QUESTIONS! Whether it's from me or another foster mom you know - don't let fear keep you from getting your questions answered.

"And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." Romans 5:3-5

First Class: (Incorrect) Preconceived Notions

First and foremost - I apologize for any typographical errors in the post below.  I had a crown re-done yesterday and have been operating on Vicodin here and there - so I'm not really all there.  Enjoy.  :)

So we had our first class tonight!  It was just orientation and lasted three hours - but we learned a LOT about the process and the general in's and out's of foster/adoption.  One thing I loved is how much Christ was lifted up.   We even started the class with prayer!  Such a blessing to be with a room full of believers.  Here are a couple revelations from tonight:

I had the incorrect preconceived idea that as a "foster to adopt" family we would ONLY get kiddos that were most-likely going to be up for adoption.  But - there are no sure things with foster kids.  Approximately 53% of them are reunited with their families (typically another family member; not the parent).  We were encouraged to be "heavy on the foster side."  I guess I wasn't originally open to this idea because of the loss. Chances are very, VERY great that we will get attached to a child and have to let them go.  I know this will be difficult for me.  But with that, I have peace that this is what God wants for us.  This is so much more of a greater purpose than I ever could have thought of.  Where God provides a will, He always provides a way.

Ray came to the realization that we should be open to older children.  (!)  We had to fill out a survey at the end of our class asking us general info on the child(ren) we'd be open to fostering.  When Ray mentioned he'd be fine and actually more comfortable with a child 4-6 years old, I about fell out of my chair!  I stuck my ground for several minutes and argued my case as to why we should only accept 0-3 years old children, but then remembered something important.  As a Christian wife, I'm supposed to submit to my husband.  And with that thought....I honestly can't even count the times that I've let Ray "have his way" and it go awry.  So...we made a compromise and agreed on 0-5 years old.  I jokingly said, "I'll take 0-2.5 years old, and you can take the 2.5-5 year olds." We also agreed to accept a sibling group of two kids.  A family of FIVE with just a phone call - I can't even imagine it! But as Ray said..."we'll just deal with it when it comes."  Easy for him to say!  Considering the type of planning person I am - this whole deal is a HUGE leap of faith for me! Essentially, all I can do is pray, save money, and wait for who God has for us.

I still have no idea what we're doing.  I can't believe that God has lead us to this place.  But I KNOW He has.  Here's a rough list of how we got here.  I've changed names and initials for privacy reasons.

Little H: a foster kiddo I worked with back in 2011.  My heart fell for this guy.  He was a foster kiddo and was eventually adopted by his foster family.

J.W (2012): Another foster kiddo who had suffered extreme neglect.  Very hard and emotional kiddo for me.  I just wanted to hold him every minute I saw him.  He was eventually reunited with family members after being in foster care for a short time.

E. (2013): A little one adopted from Haiti.  Mom has been a huge blessing to me!!!

McC Family (2013): Adopted a boy from China.

C. (2013): Little one adopted from China.

C. (2013): Little one who was adopted via private adoption (was adopted right after birth).

As you can see - God has put the most influences in my path in just this year.  I KNOW we're on the right path - even though I can't see all the steps.  God is in this.

(For we walk by faith, not by sight:) - 2 Corinthians 5:7

Updates and Doubts

The latest:
We have our first class on Friday evening!  It's just an orientation meeting, but its a start! We have the child care for Micah all figured out thanks to family (our mommies), friends (Lauren Stokes) and a couple from our church (Jack and Donna Champion).  We already feel SO blessed by the willingness of people to help out!

We also have our fire inspection scheduled for Friday morning.  This is one of things we have to get done in order to "pass" in the eyes of the agency.  I was very happy to find out this is a FREE service.  Yay! One less thing to pay for.  ;)

Speaking of stuff to pay for - I've already been blown away by the generosity of others in donating money to our cause!  I can't wait to write those names on our puzzle.  We still have a LONG way to go - but I know God will get us to where we need to be.

I've been told we have more paperwork to fill out once we start classes.  I attempted to email in order to get a head start over such "paperwork" over the weekend but never heard back - so I guess God didn't want me to do it.  :)

As we get closer to being an "open" home I start to have my doubts.
Do I doubt God's plan? No.
Do I doubt God's purpose?  No.
Do I doubt myself?  An absolute YES.

When I was pregger with Micah I had horrible fears that Micah would come out with some syndrome or disorder.  Working in ECI has its downsides.  I've seen all sorts of children displaying all different kinds of syndromes, disorders, language delays, developmental delays, etc. etc.  It's very scary to have children when you know all the "what-ifs." BUT...never once did that make me want to abort my son.  I always knew that GOD knew what was best - and it also made me pray a LOT more!  And of course - Micah is fine and "perfect" (at least for the first five minutes of his life).  I fear that I won't be able to handle a child with "baggage" that comes from a "difficult background." This doesn't deter my purpose - but it puts doubts in my heart.  I'm having difficulty remembering that "God doesn't call the qualified - he qualifies the called." There are too many things that God has put in my path that make me for ONCE doubt that He is leading us this way.

But still....it's scary.  Blind faith IS scary.  It isn't supposed to be easy.  If it were - faith would be pointless.

But without FAITH it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that HE IS, and that HE IS a rewarder of them that diligently seek him. (Hebrews 11:6)

Bringing Home a Breeden - Puzzle Fundraiser!!!

When Ray and I made the abrupt decision to pursue the foster/adoption classes in September instead of February, we quickly realized that our plans had changed in many ways; not only with the scheduling, but with the amount of money we have tucked away for our Little One.  We had originally planned on taking classes in February to give us some time to save up money, buy what we needed for another child, etc. etc. Adopting from the foster care system is very affordable; the biggest expense will come from the adoption itself (due to attorney's fees).  BUT...we also need to get more furniture and other items to comply with the adoption agency.

Our goal is $2500.  We put together a puzzle to encourage people to donate.  For only $5 you can "adopt" a puzzle piece.  When you do this, we will write your name on the back of a puzzle piece!  That way our Little One will be able to see all the people that cared enough to bring him/her home!

SO....$5 is all it takes to help us in our adoption adventure!  Of course, we'd love to write your name on more than one piece - but even a small donation will make a big impact in our Little One's life.  Thank you so much in advance for your help and generosity!!!

Fundraising Link:
http://www.youcaring.com/adoption-fundraiser/bringing-home-a-breeden/85935

Our Story: Everybody has one

I wanted to share a little bit about our background story.  It hasn't been a short journey to get to where we are now.  This actually started out as a document that we had to send to the agency as they wanted to know our story behind having difficulty conceiving (yeah- no secrets with adoption agencies!) After I started writing it I realized that there was not "short" explanation.  This is our story.  Every couple has one that details the whys, whens, and whos of why they decided on adoption.  Of course - I didn't realize that we had a story until tonight.  But I guess we all do, don't we? :)

Our Story:

We were very blessed in April 2011 when our son Micah was born.  We had absolutely -zero- difficulty conceiving Micah and were actually surprised by how easy it was! Once Micah was about three to four months old, we thought about trying to have another baby (as crazy as that thought now seems looking back on it!) We soon realized that conceiving the second time around wasn’t going to be as easy.  Honestly, this didn’t bother us; between the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives and work schedules, one thing after another always popped up that made us say, “thank goodness we don’t have another baby!” At the time Micah was born we were living in a quaint three-bedroom house of 1200 square feet.  Adequate enough for two adults and one child; but no room for another baby.  This also added to our “it’s okay” mentality for not having another baby.  We briefly discussed the idea of adoption, but never pursued it, thinking it would be too difficult or too expensive.  I always believed that “what happened would happen” and in leaving my/our future in God’s hands.  I knew that if God wanted us to have another baby, it would happen in His own time. 

I went to my gynecologist for my annual exam last year (2012) and no problems were found.  I contemplated several times about seeking fertility treatments; but I did not want to put all of my “eggs” into a “fertile” basket with no guarantees.  I didn’t want to be one of “those women” who spends thousands upon thousands of dollars and faces treatment after treatment to have a baby.  I also didn’t see the sense in pursuing options of having another biological child when I knew there were children out there that needed a home.  The lack of other options really boils down to one central aspect: I didn’t have peace with going through fertility treatments, and I couldn’t move forward with something I didn’t have peace about.  Our preacher once told me that you know you’re living in God’s will when you have peace; so I knew there was something else around the bend waiting for us.

It wasn’t until the beginning of this year (2013) that something in my heart was stirred.  Not just stirred – but truly grieved.  I saw friends having second and third children so easily and quickly – and it hurt.  It hurt the very depths of my heart.  I yearned for another child – I wanted another child so deeply; but I felt as though I was out of options.  My heart was truly broken as menstrual cycle after menstrual cycle came.  My heart gave up on having another child; but it was still hard to accept.

Shortly after we moved into our new house in December, 2012, I started attending our neighbor’s women’s Bible study that they host out of their house.  They were covering Genesis when I jumped into the study.  I didn’t know it at the time – but God was at work.  God not only blessed us with awesome, godly neighbors – but God put us in just the right place at just the right time.  We came to the story of Abraham and Sarah.  Reading through that story and listening to the associated podcast truly changed my heart.  God showed me through that study that good things are worth waiting for.  God also showed me that Sarah only had one son – and that son truly made a difference for all mankind.  The Bible never mentions Sarah’s emotions after having her only son Isaac – but it made me realize that she was truly happy with what God had given her.  I didn’t have to have a large family to be happy.  My duty as a mom was/is to invest as much about God as I can into my only son so that he can leave behind a legacy.  This gave me peace.

A couple that used to go to our church started sending out emails about their “adoption journey from China” in April, 2013.  I would briefly skim over these emails and didn’t think much of them to begin with.  I think this is mostly because I didn’t want to learn more about something that wasn’t possible (again thinking that adoption was way too expensive and impossible).  I didn’t want to give myself false hope.  But - I started to pray.  I prayed for my heart and for the heart of my husband.  I asked God to open our hearts and our minds to adoption if that was what He wanted. 

In May, 2013 I started seeing a little girl adopted from Haiti for speech therapy services (I work in Early Childhood Intervention as a speech-language pathologist and work with children who are birth to three years old).  I have worked with adopted/foster kids before and have always been eager to learn how to teach them to communicate (since these skills are usually absent in 0-3 year olds who have been abused/neglected).  Little “H” (name changed for privacy) was a bright, vibrant little one who was recently diagnosed with severe-profound hearing loss in both ears.  Her adoptive mom had no idea when they brought her home that she was Deaf; it was “conveniently” left out of her history according to the orphanage she came from.  The little two-year-old was already picking up signs and showed awesome potential for communicating.  Again – God was working.

In July I stopped seeing “H” for speech therapy due to insurance issues with her therapy.  I emailed her adoptive mom a couple weeks afterwards just asking for advice and general info on adoption.  She emailed me back with the surprising news that she was actually a missionary in the states that helped families through the foster/adoptive process.  I was blown away! Right then and there I knew God was moving us in a specific direction.  I remember telling the mom (Tiffany S.) – “I have no idea what I’m doing – but I’d like to learn more.”

And now, here we are.  I have never had more peace and more joy than I do in this moment.  I know God has led us to where we are right now for a purpose.  God’s plan is always perfect.  His plans never falter.  The joy that fills my heart when I think about our next son or daughter has been worth my heartache.  Now – my heart aches to hold that sweet child against my chest and tell them, “it’s okay.” My heart yearns to sweep that precious child in my arms and give them the love they deserve.  Do we know what we’re doing? Not really.  Do we know what we’re getting ourselves into?  Absolutely not.  But are we where we should be? Without a doubt – yes.  And there’s no better place to be than right in the middle of God’s will. 

A Change of Plans

As mentioned in my previous post, one of the first steps in our plan for our "foster-to-adopt" saga was to take classes in February of 2014 since they would be offering them in McKinney.  We thought this would be the easiest option since classes would be held so close to home.  After sending in our application and waiting a few days, we got word that we'd basically have to take classes THIS year in either Dallas or Arlington or our file would be closed and we'd have to start over next year.  After looking at the training schedule, we realized this could actually be possible.  Ray would just have to take off two days from work, and I wouldn't have to take off any.  We weren't sure if Ray would be able to take off two Saturdays in a row (especially on such short notice), but I knew that if GOD wanted it to happen, it would happen.  Ray spoke to his boss today and got off work, so it looks like we'll be taking our first class on September 13th! :-)

Let me just say right here that I am a person of planning.  At the moment, we are NOT prepared to have another child in our house.  Not that you can ever really be prepared - but there are certain things we have to have in our home in order to be approved by the agency (such as a fire extinguisher, baby-proofing the house, diaper genie, etc. etc.) We don't have any money saved up for adoption, even though that would come at a later date much farther down the road anyways (about 9-12 months).  We also don't have a bed for another child either.  And if it's a girl (!!!) we have -zero- clothes.  I know that God will provide all of these things - but I was just thinking we had more time.

Time is another thing that has me anxious.  If we were just open to fostering children, chances are we could get children in our home very quickly.  Foster children are children that were removed from the family home, but will most-likely be reunited with their family.  Children that are "open" to adoption may take longer to get.  These are children whose parents have had (or will have) their parental rights terminated by CPS/court system.  This may take longer to "find" the right child; but I'm hoping that isn't the case. I'm hoping that by spring of next year, we will have an "open" child to adopt.

A thought came to me when I found out we'd have to move classes up or be "closed." The thought was so profound that they weren't my words at all - they were Gods.  He said,

"Classes in September, not February.
The child I have waiting for you needs your help as soon as possible."

This kind of debunks my thought on the timing issue.  The more I ruminate over these words, the more they affect me.  It nearly brings me to tears every time I think about it. Our child is out there.  Our next son or daughter.  I pray continually that God will keep them safe.  I also pray for their parents - that they will seek help and take care of our son/daughter.  That through all of this, they would seek Christ.

I know people think foster-to-adopt is an impossible process.  It's not impossible.  Domestic foster-to-adoption isn't crazy expensive either.  We will have to pay for CPR classes and first aid (which I'm already certified in - cost savings there) as well as fingerprinting (which I already have taken care of with my SLP license).  The classes and training are FREE and provided by the agency.  Ray and I are also going to a seminar in October provided by a ministry out of Irving for FREE.  Yes, it takes work.  Yes, there is a lot of paperwork.  But what mother wouldn't do anything for their child - biological or not?

Our Needs:
Pray that we can get child care for Micah for the days we have training (just five days; three Fridays and two Saturdays). Be sure to insert the word "FREE" in your prayers as we need to keep costs down and save what money we can!

Please, please pray for our "little one." Pray that God keeps them safe.  Pray that God will wipe away their tears when no one cares.  Pray that God will heal their hearts of the neglect they are probably facing.

Pray that God will give us wisdom.  Pray that God will open doors and provide.  We thank you in advance!

A Big Announcement!!!

Let me first preface this post by disproving what you're probably thinking.


No, I'm not pregnant. 

Now that we have that out of the way - what I do have to share is just as exciting! But it took a lot of time and a lot of work on my heart to get us to where we are now.

Ray and I have made the recent decision to........

Wait for it.....

wait for it.....


wait for it.....
............
..........................
 FOSTER to ADOPT!!! :-D


But believe me, this was no small decision.  As I've mentioned before in a previous post - Ray and I have "not tried, not prevented" to have a second child since Micah was four months old. Yeah, that's almost two years. 

Nearly two years of waiting.  Waiting.  Anxiously waiting.  At first I expected to get pregnant as easily the second time around as the first.  But over the months, that hope began to fade.  Hope faded into disbelief.
I struggled with depression over "being infertile" for a while.  Questions arose in my mind - especially the "why?" Honestly, I never found out the "why."  God doesn't always answer all of our "why's." But he always shows us the way.

It wasn't until a couple months ago that my heart started to open to adoption.  It was through my women's bible study group (hosted primarily by Erin McCullough, one of the best neighbors ever!) that God gave me hope. 

The Bible is full of people that screwed up.  Two of these people are Abraham and Sarah.  Abraham and Sarah wanted a child so badly - but after decades, were completely barren.  They thought they could get around God's will and go their own way, which didn't turn out so well. 

But God still blessed them with a son.  Their only son.

Good gracious, it nearly makes me cry to type that.  Here I was, with only one child - my only son - wishing so deeply to have another.  I felt selfish, really.  But God gave me hope.  I had only waited for baby #2 for 18 months.  Sarah waited for 20+ years. 

God spoke to me through that lesson in Genesis.  But that didn't open my heart to adoption.  Just waiting.
A couple months ago I started seeing a little girl for speech services.  She was adopted from Haiti and had two siblings that were also adopted domestically.  That was really where my heart started to change. 

"But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven." (Matt 19:14)

The Bible teaches that children are a blessing.  But it never says that only biological children are a blessing (though they are!) Christians are also commanded to "Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow." (Isaiah 1:17) 

I really can't even begin to say how God changed my heart - but He did.  And the one person that I expected to be against it is actually for it.  That would be my husband.  Ray isn't exactly an "emotional" type of man - but in his eloquent words, "adopting isn't really just about adding to our family - but it's about saving a child's life, ya know?"

I couldn't agree more myself.  And believe me - once we came together in the decision to adopt, my joy was unspeakable!!! It's been unbearable for me to keep in a secret as long as I have (about two weeks - I'm bad with secrets!) I'm just as excited as I would be if I were pregnant - but I can have all the coffee I want and don't have to worry about the weight gain.  ;)


The Facts:
There are roughly 29,000 children in Texas' foster care system.
57% of these children are 1-5 years old.
There are roughly 13,000 children in Texas waiting to be adopted.  This number was only ~8,000 in 2003.
The need is there!!!

Our Bible Verses:
"Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy." Psalm 82:3
"Lord, thou hast heard the desire of the humble: thou wilt prepare their heart, thou wilt cause thine ear to hear: To judge the fatherless and the oppressed, that the man of the earth may no more oppress." Psalm 10:17-18

Our Song:
Kings and Queens by Audio Adrenaline 
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=WDGYYGNX

Our Expectations:
We expect the wait to be hard.
We expect a lot of questions.
We expect people to question us and our motives.
We expect having a foster child to be challenging.
We expect people to have mixed reactions to our announcement.  Some will be excited, some won't understand.

Our Agency:
Covenant Kids out of Plano, TX.

Our Desire:
Boy or girl age six months to three years old. Our new little one could not even be born yet! :)

Our Plans:
We just emailed the application (all TWENTY PAGES of it) yesterday.
Our references should be checked soon.  :)
We plan to take the required classes when they have the new series offered in McKinney in February, 2014. 
After the classes comes the home study.
We should *hopefully* be licensed and ready to accept a child come March or April of next year! :-D

Our Requests:
Please pray for us!
Pray for our child. Pray that they will stay safe.  Pray that their needs will be met.  Pray that they will be kept from harm.  
Pray for his/her mother and father that are struggling.
Pray for the process and everything to go smoothly.


More posts to follow detailing our adventure in foster-to-adopt-ing..... :-)

Addi

It was in October of 2005 that I saw the ad for a "Free deaf boxer to good home" sign in the ASL (sign language) lab at school.  Jokingly, I sent my roommate Jenny a text saying, "hey, wanna get a deaf white boxer?" At the time we were living in a small two-bedroom apartment in McKinney.  Jenny had her chihuahua Dixie and I had my cat Tabbytha (which was enough for the size of our apartment).  Of course, my spontaneous, willing-to-try-anything friend said, "sure." Later on that week we went to go "take a look" at him.  In the nicest terms possible, I can say that Addi's owner was an idiot.  If he wasn't 65 pounds (underweight), he would've thrown Addi at me.  He was so eager and willing to give him away.  He took me outside to the cage where Addi and another dog were living.  Sweet Addi, not even two years old, was absolutely out of control.  He came bounding out of the cage and immediately jumped all over me.  His owner struggled to get a collar on him and make him sit, but was largely unsuccessful.  I knew that we were in a tight spot.  I wanted a deaf dog - but Addi was so out of control.  Despite this, I was determined to make it work.

That poor dog....the only crate we had available was meant for a dog about half the size of Addi (indeed, it was the little Dixie's crate), but he scrunched up in there without complaint.  After we squeezed him in there and I shut the car door, Addi didn't keep his eyes off of me.  It's like there was an instant connection.  He knew I was there to rescue him.  My parents thought I was crazy.  Jenny's parents probably thought the same.  But I was stubborn enough to make it work.

The next few weeks were quite chaotic.  A neighbor of mine advised me to put him down, saying it was going to be impossible for me to do anything with him.  My stubborn nature (and lack of money) wasn't going to let that happen. Addi was probably on the worst diet imaginable and had horrible bouts of diarrhea.  I also noticed he had a hacking cough.  When I got him neutered and up-to-date on his shots, the vet informed me that he was heart worm positive.  My heart sank and I started to cry.  She assured me that treatment could be done, but it was very expensive.  Luckily, somebody tuned me into the the Kaufman County Animal Awareness Project where I was able to get it done much cheaper - but still, $250 to a broke college student is a ton of money.  I was starting to think I was insane for taking this on. Addi did fine with the treatment - but the 30 days of "no activity" was brutal for both of us.  It was a "go outside, come back in, sit in your crate" type of deal for 30 days.  We made it through with lots of stuffed animals and treats though.

One of the best things about Addi when he got older was the lack of noise he made.  Mind you, when I first brought him home he would bark incessantly (still wonder how he knew how to in the first place). Like I said before, Addi was out of control, but when he realized I could communicate with him via signs, we started to make progress.  Addi learned "sit," "home," and "stop" very quickly.  Over the first couple years he learned to keep his eyes on me at all times.  Up until his dying day, whenever I would let him outside, he would always keep his eye on the door in case I should open it.  After he would do his "business," he would sit like a soldier on the porch, watching the door until it opened.

We went through a lot of stuffed animals and a lot of bones in his younger years.  I could buy the biggest bone out there and it would be obliterated in 30 minutes or less.  Stuffed animals had less of a chance.  Nice dog beds were pointless.  This past year I just reverted to buying old comforters at the thrift store - they were cheap enough to buy several at one time, and then I could just throw them away once Addi tore them up.  We saw lots of car rides and lots of people.  Addi never met a stranger.  Everyone always loved him.  He was definitely my gentle giant.  The most harm he could ever do to somebody was knock them over.

It wasn't until after Addi's first stroke on 5-13-13 that I took him to the vet.  I was certain that I would have to let him go that day.  I was an absolute wreck.  My awesome veterinarian - possibly because he saw how distraught I was - tried to give me some hope.  Addi was on three different medications - one for blood pressure, one for inflammation, and an antibiotic.  Addi improved, but only for a short while.  I knew he had another stroke on Wednesday, 5-29-13.  His eyes were droopy and watery; his hips were turned under and he had trouble walking.  I knew he was in pain - and it hurt me to see him that way.  I felt helpless.  All I could do is pray.  God assured me that he was there with Addi and would keep him company.  I didn't expect him to make it through the night, but he was a fighter.  I made the decision to end his suffering on Thursday, 5-30-13.  The vet agreed with my decision, which helped me a little.  He said that if we were to do a CAT scan on Addi, we'd probably find a tumor.  Boxer's are infamous for cancers. The vet techs were amazing - asking me questions about Addi's past and what his favorite things to do were.  That helped.

I was there when Addi took his last breath.  I put my hand on his chest and felt it rise for the last time.  At 4:45pm the vet tech announced, "he's gone momma." I pet his sweet face and laid my head on his chest, sobbing and talking to him.  But in my head I could hear God's voice say, "you should see him now." I knew before I let him go that God would receive him. Matthew 10:29 says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father." To me, if God cares about a little sparrow - something relatively insignificant - then why wouldn't he care about the pets that his children love so dearly? If I couldn't rest in that hope, then there's no point in loving animals to begin with. 

It's so very true that you don't fully realize how much something means to you until its gone.  My Addi was my baby before baby; my man before I married.  He was a lesson; he was a blessing.  He was the best dog. Despite our difficulties in the earlier years - we grew and matured together.  He was a constant in my life when things went awry.  Just like Addi always kept his eyes on me - its now my turn to always keep my eyes on the Father.  

There's always going to be something to remind me of him.  And yes, the tears will still come.  When a big dog like a boxer leaves your heart, there's a big hole left behind that can never be replaced or filled with another animal.  My sweet Addi-Beau gave me nearly eight years of struggle, stress, love and obedience.  He was a great dog, and he will be missed.  

Adicus Beau Breeden 

"Addi-Beau"

December 3, 2003 - May 30th, 2013 4:45pm

Relieved from suffering to run into the arms of God. 

Jesse

I received a call from the intake coordinator at work that they just evaluated a little boy that would "be perfect" for me.  A little guy with a lot going on and every service imaginable.  It wasn't until a couple weeks later that I would actually get the information on the little boy to start services.

Easter Sunday came.  A family came in and sat down, and at the end of the pew was a little boy in a wheelchair.  I only caught a glimpse of him, but my heart jumped for joy.  Just having him in our church (not knowing his name - not knowing his parents) - completely made my day.  Later on I asked Preacher if they had filled out a visitor's card because I wanted to call them.  He never received one for them, so I counted it a lost opportunity to meet a blessing.

That same week I met my new kiddo.  His name was Jesse.  I immediately recognized his mom as the visiting family in my church the week prior.  I was so elated! What Divine planning and purpose God has! I remember asking God why he led me to that family, and I could just hear God say, "that boy will bless you more than you imagine."

I saw sweet Jesse twice.  His family had actually moved south (from Ohio or Massachusetts, I think) to start a church in McKinney, of all places.  The sweetest family.  Mom was always smiling, always positive despite the setbacks sweet Jesse had.

Sweet Jessee passed away on April 25th in the morning.  I got the call from my supervisor while headed down to Huntsville for a weekend getaway.  I felt extreme sorrow, but tried to keep it together in front of Micah.  Jesse was 22 months old.

I sent the mom an email to pour out my condolences - but what do you say? There are no words that bring comfort except to say, "I'm praying for you." That little boy brought me so much joy in the short amount of time I got to see him.  She emailed me back last night to let me know that their family is moving back home up north.  I emailed her the times for church service just in case she wanted to make one last visit.  She came today before service started and gave me some of Jesse's equipment to donate to other families in ECI.  It was a very bittersweet reunion.  Little Jesse is the reason we were united to begin with - and he's still the reason we'll stay in touch.

I just can't help but wonder, why? Why did God lead that family to me - why was I lead to them - and why did they move from so far away to come start a church in McKinney?  Why did they come to my church on Easter Sunday? All of these things seem so random to me.  But I don't need the answers.  God already gave me the purpose of meeting Jesse - and it is with no hesitation of my heart that Jesse was the biggest blessing I have worked with in ECI.  I realized tonight that there is no stop to grieving the loss of a child.  There is no set period of sorrow.  It drags on.  The tears still come.  But I know that Jesse is dancing with the angels.  I know he can see my Savior's face shine with eternal brightness.  Jesse can see with no visual hindrances now.  Jesse can smile now.  Jesse can walk, indeed run.  I'm looking forward to that amazing day I get to see him again.

Babies

Ever since Micah was just a few years old I've gotten the question - "so when is baby number two going to come along?" "are ya'll thinking of having any more?" "when can we expect baby number two?" "it's about time for another one ya know!"

These questions are fine and in general haven't bothered me.  When conceiving the second time around doesn't, well, come around - the questions can be very draining to answer. Not that Ray and I have not "attempted" or "tried" to have another baby - truth be told, we haven't used any method of birth control since Micah was just 6 months old.  Obviously, we don't have another baby.  There are no announcements to make - no "new baby excitement" going on in our lives.  Having this "difficulty," of sorts, has made me very depressed lately.  I always loved the thought of having a large family with several children.  With my work in Early Intenvention, those are my favorite families to work with.  There's always something happening with a large family.  Always something going on.  There's just a method of excitement and energy with a large family.  I love that.  

When I was about four months along with Micah I can remember laying on the table in the doctor's office waiting for the nurse to find the heartbeat of my precious little boy.  I admit, I was absolutely miserable during my pregnancy.  I complained a lot during my pregnancy.  My feet hurt, I was gaining too much weight, I was exhausted, my allergies were horrible, etc. etc.  All at once this thought came to my mind - not really a thought, but a voice.  "Enjoy this pregnancy Lauren - because its the only one you'll ever have." 

And that was it.  The thought was so profound and so blunt that it brought tears to my eyes.  I didn't know what to think.  Was it just my crazy pregnant brain playing tricks on me?  Was it God's voice? But here I am, 18 months of trying to conceive (and no baby) - and that voice seems to be true.  

But the Lord is still good.  He has encouraged my heart in many ways this past week.  I've been very blessed by the story of Abraham and Sarah.  Sarah waited decades to have her little boy Issac - and even though Abraham went on to have more children after Sarah died, Issac was still the promised son.  God's promise didn't change after the other children came along.  Jesus wasn't an only child either; Mary and Joseph also had other children - yet the one you hear the most about is Jesus (for more reasons than one).  All that to say that the Lord has assured me that I don't have to have several children to make a difference in the world for Christ.  It's very, very hard to not get jealous when I see my friends having child after child with seemingly no effort at all.  But the Lord never said that "you have to have lots of children to be blessed." The Lord did say, however that "the fruit of the womb is His reward" - and with that I know that I've been rewarded.  

Micah is an awesome little guy.  I love him more than I thought I could ever love a person.  But at least while we're "waiting" to have another child (if its in God's will we do) - it is in a sense a little easier to serve God both financially and socially.  As awesome as my son is - I probably couldn't take him to volunteer at a soup kitchen (just yet!) But I can teach him slowly through small amounts of service at church what it means to be a servant of God.  The name Micah means "one who is like God" - and at least for now, for the time being - Ray and I have more of an opportunity to rear him in the way he should go.  

One of the hardest things in life is waiting.  It's hard to wait on God.  But that's what he wants me to do.  Just wait.  God doesn't have the same timelines as I do, but His will is perfect.  This has been a very hard lesson for me to learn; but I'm thankful for His patience with me as He molds me into His perfect plan.  

Convicted

I've been receiving Bible Gateways "Women of the Bible" weekly devotional for several weeks now.  It has proved to be a good study of different women of the Bible; some well-known, and others not so much.  The devotional I got this week was for Martha, one of the sister's of Lazarus (the man Jesus raised from the dead).  This devotional in particular was very long, so I couldn't finish all of it the day I got it.  But now I see that "all things work for good" as I finished reading it today.

Last night (Wednesday) was church night.  I'm grateful to have a church that still has service on Wednesday nights, although I must admit that I don't take advantage of it as much as I used to.  I can usually find several "reasons" or "excuses" as to why I can't go to church - laundry, getting Micah ready for bed, cleaning house, and the list goes on and on.  Today I finished reading the devotional on Martha and realized why I hadn't had "time" to finish it earlier this week.

Martha, as opposed to her sister Mary, was a busy-body.  She was usually wrapped up in things of her house in order to entertain others (including Jesus).  She undermined the importance of simply sitting at Jesus' feet, as did her sister Mary.  I was highly convicted by these words:

Jesus did not tell Martha that she had neither part nor lot in Him, or that she was allowing the cares of this life to choke the seed. He recognized that she was working for Him, but reminded her that she was permitting her outward activities to hinder her spiritually. Because of wrong emphasis regarding her necessary labor, her inner communion with her Lord was being hindered. 

Those words stung my heart.  It's been a long time since I've been convicted so much.  Truly, I have let the cares of this world and the concern of pleasing others hinder my walk with God.  I'm guilty as charged.  
1 Corinthians 7:34 says it well:

...The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be hold both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

I think the word "husband" could be interchanged with "world," "guests," or "family" as well.  All too often I place pleasing or impressing others before the One who made it all possible - God himself.  It's completely true - before I got married I was much more concerned with being at God's house than I was cleaning my own house.  I'm grateful for God's conviction - to show me that God does notice when I'm not in His house - and when I put other things before Him.  There's no excuses.  God should always come first.  I need to get back to that frame of mind.