First Week

Oh good gracious readers.
It has been a long but fast week.
I have been stretched, pulled, and pushed in ways I have never experienced before.
This has been one of the most stressful weeks I have ever experienced.
It has taught me a LOT - but also worn me out.

If you consider the idea of fostering - you can basically take every thought, every belief, everything you know about child rearing - and throw it out the window.

Because these kids aren't normal.  They look their age - but they act half of it.  The five year old is essentially on the same level as our three-year-old Micah.  In a five year old body.  Makes for good playmates - but difficult for training.  And he needs SO MUCH training.

People tell me I'm "amazing." People say I'm "awesome."  I don't feel awesome.  I feel tired.  I feel unsure.  I feel discouraged often.  The only thing that keeps me afloat is my God - He never wavers, He never fails.  God called us here.  He tells me that I was made for this.  He tells me that His strength is made perfect in weakness - and I am weak people.

Last Friday I got the baby enrolled in daycare.  He started on Monday while I took the oldest to get enrolled in school.  We went to the WIC office on Monday as well to get formula for the littlest.  Monday night the oldest threw up seven times and couldn't even keep water down.  On Tuesday the baby had similar issues.  Finally by yesterday we were able to start a more "normal" schedule.  I shed a tear when the oldest got on the bus for school, and I waved goodbye.  Took the fosters to the doctor on Wednesday (also a new experience - two children on Medicaid in an office and having to fill our "required paperwork" for each doctor's visit).

For a type-A person like myself, change is not easy.  And I have been through a LOT of change this week.  It has been difficult, but a ministry is never easy.

Tomorrow is a new day....

Neglect's Ugly Face

I've discovered something since Thursday.

I've received so many "congratulations!" and "how exciting!" from so many people.  I understand why; we've worked SO hard for several months to get to this point.  It is exciting - but it's also scary, sad, and unfamiliar.

The only "congratulations" lies in the fact that the children are no longer in a dangerous situation.  They are SAFE and LOVED like they should be.  But truly - the circumstances that brought them here are anything but congratulatory.

These sweet boys.  I often ask God, "why me?"  There are times when I feel SO un-qualified to do this.  In the heat of the moment when the baby just will NOT STOP CRYING, it's easy to feel overwhelmed and under-qualified.

But God called us here.  I prayed fervently that God would send the right children to our home, and I know he did that.  But there are still challenges.

When the oldest starts smashing things and yelling.  When the youngest refuses to be put down for a second.

But the thing about children who have been neglected is there's a REASON behind every action.  If Micah starts yelling, I know he's probably just over-excited and needs to use his "inside voice."  When the oldest started yelling and covering his eyes upon every question, I knew there was something going on.  He didn't communicate to me that he had a headache and the noise was hurting his head.  Sweet boy.  He's probably had the same issue and no one ever listened.  I had to take the time to show him I care.  I'm here to meet his needs.  He will be taken care of here with no exceptions.

Baby probably cries when I put him down because he's terrified I'll leave him and never come back.  His cries aren't cries of fussiness - they are pure fear.  He's not even a year old and I hear fear in his cries.

They look normal.  If you saw them at first glance you wouldn't think of them any differently than a normal kid.  But they aren't normal.  Their history is tattered and full of broken promises.  You can't just earn that trust and build a relationship in a day (or two).  We will be working on "surviving" for the next couple weeks.

But I have hope.  By God's grace I have hope.  Micah and oldest get along super well - just like brothers!!! I have finally started to get a smile from baby's face.  His giggle is contagious.  I loved snuggling with the oldest during a movie tonight.  So many things we often take for granted as parents - but in these kids, they are extra precious and special.

God has lead us here.  We are not alone.  And even though I cried twice today because I thought I couldn't do it - God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Trusted

I find myself having the same feeling I had with the last placement.  Only this time the feeling is met with much more peace than our first placement (it was chaos, I tell ya!) These sweet children are like a night-and-day difference from our first placement.  I'm grateful for that.  I think God sent these littles our way for the weekend to give us hope and redefined purpose.  I can't help but have a reality check though.

These children don't know me.  Their parents don't know me.  Their parents will never meet me.  Yet - here we are, entrusted completely with their care and well-being.

It's an immense responsibility.  One I don't take lightly.

After putting the kiddos to sleep, foster B started coughing.  Of course - for every medication (prescription or non), "there's a form for that."  I at first waited to see if the coughing would subside, but it continued.  Then the thought came over me - "if it were Micah coughing, I would give him some Hyland's medicine."  It's homeopathic, so it's gentle enough for littles.  After thinking thus, I got out the medication log and gave foster B some.

Foster B melted into my arms as I tried to soothe.  Absolutely melted.

I admit - I am smitten.  Sweet children.  Just rough circumstances.

God has called us here.  We are not alone.  We are filled with renewed purpose.  Praising God for that.

A New Normal

Received a phone call shortly after arriving at church this evening.  It was just a "214" number that I didn't recognize, and immediately my heart begins to race.  I checked the voice mail left by the number to realize it was the agency.  I called the number back right away.  It was a lady calling about a placement for a four year old and a six year old.  Our "age cap" is listed as five in their database; but she called to ask just in case we were interested.  

I turned it down.  

Hard decision.  A split-second decision.  No time to pray about it.  Barely time to ask God, "should we?" in-between words uttered in the three-minute phone call.  I turned this placement down, but there will be more. Many more.  

After our ((crazy, hectic, stressful, messy)) experience last Saturday, Ray and I quickly realized that we have GOT to be more prepared.  That means having just about everything necessary for every age and gender BEFORE we get "the call."  We were grossly unprepared when we got the call on Saturday.  Since then we've got two car seats, more clothes, (thanks to Nana and Colleen), girls toys (again thanks to Colleen) and I snagged some newborn diapers from my office this morning.  

Still, you can never be fully prepared for a severely neglected child.  Will I know what to do with a child who is severely undernourished? Probably not.  Will I sweat trying to figure out how to get rid of head lice from a baby? Probably so.  

Foster care isn't pretty.  Neglect is depressing.  Abuse will make you cringe.  But we're not on the sidelines saying, "that's too bad."  We're not looking at it from afar and saying, "God bless those children."  No, we're in it now.  And we haven't even started.  

Our new normal is only starting to set in.  The normal where I have to have my phone with me at all times and answer at any and every unfamiliar "214" number (even during a speech visit - that happened today!) The normal of stacking up piles and piles of clothes for placements of any age and gender.  The normal of trying to figure out the car seat puzzle and squeeze three car seats in my five-seater car.  This is our new normal.  

But I wouldn't have it any other way.  

God has called us here.  God has led us here.  We are here to fulfill His purpose.  And for those reasons - it's all worth it.  

First Placement

Well. 

Today was quite the day. 

Woke up to a call at 4:00am asking if we'd be willing to take in two children. 

Less than two hours later, they were in our home. 

Very little information known about the children. Nothing but the clothes on their backs with them. 

I was overwhelmed by the generosity of Colleen, Erin, and Ray's mom today. They were a huge encouragement to me. I also appreciate everyone that PRAYED for us today. Many prayers were answered. 

At one point during the day, Ray came up to me and blatantly said, "I change my mind. I can't do this." 

Of course I looked at him like he was crazy. But a few hours later I was thinking the same thing. 

After the children were taken back into CPS custody, I asked Ray:

"Did you really want to quit?" 

"Yes", he replies. 

"But would you have really quit?" 

"No."

I told him I agreed with his feelings. There were several points during today that made me question what the HECK I was doing and what on EARTH was I thinking. 

If you want to add to your family the easy way, just get pregnant. 

Foster care is hard. 

But the children come from harder places than you'd ever possibly fathom. 

I felt like I was in survival mode all day today. It was truly some of the HARDEST 12 hours of my life. 

I won't lie - I was relieved when CPS came to take them home. They told us we'd have children like that. 

God called us here. This is a ministry. We have been called to do this. 

And through Him, we can do anything. 

On to the next call we go...