For those that don't know, let me provide a back-story.
When I was a few months pregnant with Micah, I was miserable. I was gaining too much weight; I was labeled high-risk and had doctors appointments that lasted at least one hour at least every other week. I was exhausted. My sinuses were constantly under attack, leading to sneezing fits that pulled muscles in my rib cage. I wasn't sleeping well, was horribly constipated, my feet were swollen, and everything was just - harder. As I was laying on the table waiting for the nurse to check for my Micah's heartbeat, I heard God's voice say, "enjoy this moment Lauren - you may never get to experience it again." Words SO clear and SO profound, they brought tears to my eyes.
When Micah was about 3-4 months old, Ray and I started trying for baby #2. Yes, we were crazy; but we were crazy in love with this little boy and wanted another SO bad. Months went by. Then a year. Eighteen months. No pregnancy. My prayers at that time sounded something like,
God, please let me get pregnant. Not our wills God - but yours be done. If you don't want me to have another baby, please show us what we should do.
Already, God had laid it on our hearts to adopt. Fostering hadn't quite entered our minds yet. After 18 months of infertility, I reached my breaking point. I was so depressed and frustrated. I just wanted another baby!!! I changed the words God said during my pregnancy with Micah to, "you WILL NEVER get to experience this again." I changed God's words because it was easier to accept a for-sure "never" then a "maybe." I didn't like the uncertainty. God showed me through a study in Genesis that just like Sarah, I should be content with my only son - and grateful to boot! I started focusing on all the negative things in my pregnancy instead of the positive aspects. I ruminated on the negative to ease the pain. Then, as God lead the right people into our path - the pain was replaced with purpose. A purpose to reach out to the fatherless and the afflicted. Hence, we started our foster care journey. After six months of paperwork, training, and more paperwork - we were licensed in January of 2014. My prayers changed then.
God, please lead the right children to our home. Keep them safe - meet all their needs. Take care of them and take away their fears. Help us to be the foster parents we need to be.
After our first couple placements (three boys, one girl), that all lasted six weeks or less, my prayer changed again.
God, please give me a little girl that will steal my heart and stay forever.
Then baby A came and she wore me out. My lupus went into a downward spiral. I was exhausted. I was burned out. I needed a break - and that's exactly what we did.
It wasn't until February 2015 that we decided to go back on the openings list. After paperwork, time, and more paperwork - we were one week away from having a home inspection and going back on the active list. My prayers changed again:
God, please let the right little one to our home that will blend in perfectly with our family. A child that will get along well with Micah and would be a perfect addition to our family.
Mind you - a biological baby was never, NEVER on my mind. Having another baby hasn't been on my radar in two years. So when I came down with severe vomiting and stomach pain - I was concerned (and so was my doctor). My doctor was concerned I had pancreatitis; not a completely unknown issue with lupus. He ran stat blood work and ordered a stat CT scan the same day, telling me to come back to his office when I was finished to go over the results. When I was getting ready to go in for my CT scan, my doctor comes into the room from out of nowhere (seriously - he had to have run from his office to the CT room to get there in time), and he tells me I had a positive pregnancy test. Was I happy? Not in the least. My first words were - "are you kidding me?" and "well my life sucks." Keep in mind the past two years have been filled with all the negative things about pregnancy. I thought about the negatives to get through the pain of infertility. But now that it has sunk in - and I'm nine weeks along - I can truly say that this is a miracle baby.
Four years of infertility.
One of those years on birth control to regulate my hormones (which didn't work).
Two months off of birth control, only one real "cycle" occurring (I didn't have a period in February at all).
I have active lupus.
The chances of pregnancy in my book? Slim to none. Even my doctors had never done a pregnancy test before that day.
But it seems God is always on time. All those prayers I prayed all those years ago - He's answered them. My heart is joyful. I am grateful. I am blessed, because I am chosen.
