The Future.

I see her face. Light skin; blonde hair that brushes her shoulders. Almond-shaped eyes. They're blue. Beautiful blue. She has a smile that brightens a dark room. She's beautiful. 

How old is she? Maybe two; three, or even four. Her size doesn't give any clues. She's small for her age, likely due to malnutrition and a poor diet. 

She has no family to call her own. She has loving arms that take care of her now; but it isn't forever. They can't commit for that long. For forever. 

I see her face on a regular basis. Continual, even. Never in person; not yet. Right now she's just an image in my mind. An image of someone I have yet to meet. Maybe I will some day. 

My friends - if you don't have a relationship with God, you'll have no concept or understanding of this post. The girl I see on a daily basis is an image from God. I've had my heart open to adopting a girl with Down Syndrome for years. Yes, years. Even before our fostering journey began. I will be honest in saying that my heart has no desire to foster any more. God says "she" won't be found that way. Fostering is beyond stressful. My body can't take it. This past year showed me that. People think I'm crazy for considering a child with special needs, saying that it will be 10 times more stressful than what I dealt with this past year. 

But when you're called, you answer. 

Maybe not now. Maybe ten years from now. 

But I still see her face. Her beautiful face with blue eyes the color of the sky. 

My beautiful girl. I'm waiting for you to come home. And someday, she will. 

Lupus.

If you don't want to hear me gripe and complain, then you shouldn't read this.
But having an invisible disease takes its toll - and I need to vent.
If you want to get a glimpse of a day in the life of lupus, then read on.

My day often starts with stiffness.  I wake up and turn off my alarm to get ready for work.  My joints pop and crack.  The stiffness usually only lasts an hour or less, which I'm grateful for.  If I sit down for more than 30 minutes, it returns and I have to start all over.

I usually have miscellaneous pain during the day, which I take Meloxicam to help control (and it does, to a great extent).  Of course, I also take tart cherry extract and MSM as supplements, which also help alleviate pain.  I'll have pain in my elbows, hips (very common), fingers, wrists, ankles, toes, arches of my feet, my shins (seriously), my spine, etc.  Thankfully, most of the pain doesn't last long (maybe an hour or less).  Sometimes I get headaches too, and those are really bad.  They make it hard to concentrate.

My toes and fingers will also go numb out of nowhere sometimes.  About a week ago the last joint on my thumb was numb.  Thumb-numb.  Hey it rhymes! :D I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.

Then there's the fatigue.  THE most debilitating symptom of all.  I have good days and bad days.  And sleep doesn't make a difference.  I can induce myself to sleep by taking Benadryl and wake up feeling no more rested than I did when I laid down.  Common occurrence.  I'm thankful to have a primary doctor that is willing to meet my needs when my Rheumatologist isn't able by prescribing me a stimulant to get through the "bad days."  And yes, I take Vitamin B, Vitamin D (4000 IU/day), green tea, etc. etc.  On a bad day, nothing makes a difference.  No supplements, no amount of water, green tea, or coffee.  Nothing makes a difference on a bad day.  That's why they're bad days.

Then there's the sun sensitivity.  And the lupus rash.  At this moment my cheeks look like I've been sunburned - but I actually avoid the sun like the plague.  Because 30 minutes in the sun doesn't faze a "normal" person, but it will give me a sunburn and physically make my skin FEEL like it's burning.  Itches really bad too.  My cheeks also get really dry and scaly for no reason - and nothing makes a difference with that either.  No "special" moisturizer, no "expensive" facial cleanser.  It's just me.  It's just my lupus.

I take a total of 17 vitamins, supplements, and prescriptions every day.  Before I started taking the supplements and vitamins I was in pain 99% of my day.  The fatigue was unbearable - to the point where I could hardly keep my eyes open if I wasn't physically doing something.  The fatigue still sucks, but it isn't nearly as bad as it used to be.

I've determined there's no point in hiding my lupus.  There's no point in pretending "I'm ok" and "I feel fine."  Because the truth is, some days I just feel like crap.  Some days I hurt all over and feel like I have the flu (like today, for example) - but have no other symptoms except body aches.  Every joint hurts.  Some days I just have to come home and curl up on the couch with heavy clothes and blankets because the pain is so bad and I'm so cold (temperature sensitivity happens frequently too).

Some days I honestly think I should invest in a cane.  A pretty cane.  Maybe hot pink and lime green with groovy flowers on it.  Because there are some days when I walk like an 80 year old woman because my joints are so stiff, and it's hard to walk.

So if you see me moving slow and hear my joints pop and crack after sitting for 30 minutes or more; or hear me make noises like an old woman - just know I'm not acting.  Lupus is real, and it sucks.  But I know God gave me these symptoms to lift up others.  To help others see that with Him all things truly ARE possible.

I don't know where lupus will take me - but I know God is with me every step of the way; and there is NOTHING to hard for Him.

Reason.

I can't say the past week has been easy. I can say that having an "equivocal" result in my bloodwork was the last thing I thought I would hear. The worst thing. Lupus is a horrible disease. But now my symptoms have a name. 

I won't lie - it can be very discouraging and depressing to think I have lupus. I've struggled with widespread pain and exhaustion for 10+ years. I went through tests upon tests upon tests as a kid to determine the "why" of it all, without ever finding out why. But now I know why. At least, I know the cause of my debilitating symptoms. I can deal with the pain. The fatigue is the worst. No amount of caffeine helps. No amount of green tea. Nothing helps the fatigue. I just have to muddle through the day until I can crash - hoping that tomorrow will be better. But I really never know if it will be. 

Job had some major issues in his life. He lost everything - family, friends; even his own wife told him to "curse God and die." He was covered in boils and blisters at one point and was miserable beyond comprehension. 

But he stayed faithful. 

"My foot hath held his steps, his way have I kept, and not declined." Job 23:11

I like how Job mentions in chapter 23 that God remained in control of his situation. 

"But he knoweth the way that I take; when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. For he performeth the thing that is appointed for me: and many such things are with him." Job 23:10,14

Job also mentions that God chose to lead Job into the darkness. He didn't keep him from it. 

"For God maketh my heart soft, and the Almighty troubleth me: because I was not cut off before the darkness, neither hath he covered the darkness from my face." Job 23:17

God doesn't always promise deliverance from tough situations. He doesn't promise it will be easy. God does promise - and has promised to me - that he will be with me and walk with me through this. 

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

God is with me through this. I know I'm in his hands - through my "good" days, and especially during the awful ones. 

I will choose this day to praise Him - no matter the circumstance. 

The Day She Became Mine

For those that read my last blog post and responded with prayer - I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  God has spoken to me SO much the past two weeks and has shown me His unfailing, undying love and care for me.  Thank you for your prayers for my weak heart; they were heard.

I love shopping.  Especially sales.  And thrift stores.  On Monday of last week I took a couple hours off and spent some much-needed time with my husband.  The first stop was Cracker Barrel (one of my favorite places - food and shopping combined!!!) They were having a 75% off sale on select clothing.  I saw this adorable onesie that was completely girlified with pink ruffles and a ruffled hedgehog on the front.  It was on sale for $2! I couldn't resist.  I had to buy it.  Last Saturday Ray and I had some foster parent training and were released early, so we stopped by the Thrift Store in Plano to get Micah some clothes.  I was rummaging through the miscellaneous baggies of different parts and pieces and came across an adorable little purse baby rattle, still in the package.  It was $3.  But I hesitated.  Fear passed through my veins.  Why, you ask?

Because if I buy something specifically for her (other than the necessities), I'm taking a risk.
The risk that I'll get attached.
The risk that I'll get attached and have to let her go tomorrow.
The risk that my heart will be broken.
Yes, true fear came over me when I considered buying the rattle.  Truthfully, I haven't bought anything for baby A that wasn't a necessity up until this point.  All the clothes I have for her were donated; they hold no sentimental aspect for me.

But that onesie...that rattle...spending a measly $5 for baby A...that made her mine.

I would never have given a second thought to buying Micah a toy similar to that when he was a baby.  Because I knew he wasn't going anywhere.  I knew he wouldn't be moving to someone else's house.  I knew he wouldn't be taken away.  I treasured every moment (and still do) with my Micah.  Because he's mine.  He's my only son.  I carried him for nine months and sang to him daily.  He's a part of me and always will be.

I didn't carry baby A for nine months.  I didn't even know her name until she showed up at my front door.  But since day one she's had a connection with me.  From that first smile she gave me, I knew it.

She may not be mine forever.  I may have to let her go tomorrow.  But for today - she's mine.  She's my daughter.  And the joy that brings me is indescribable.

Thank you for your prayers, friends.  This ministry is a very hard one.  But I'm thankful for the joy that God has provided.

"Then he said unto them, Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions unto them for whom nothing is prepared: for this day is holy unto our Lord: neither be ye sorry; 

for the joy of the LORD is your strength." 

Nehemiah 8:10

Just Breathe.

There's a little shop in down town McKinney called The Stalk.  I stopped there briefly on my way to get the kids from daycare because it's been on my "I want-I should" list for a while.  I bought myself some Stargazer Lilies (my favorite) just because.  They're starting to bloom now.  They're fragrance is heavenly.

Got to see my husband for 30 minutes today when he came home for his lunch break.  I still get all giddy when I see him.

Spent some time outside to *finally* refill the bird feeders (it's been about three months).  Also made some more hummingbird nectar and some suette for the Blue Jays.  I love watching those giant blue birds in my backyard.  They're mean little buggers, but so pretty to look at.

I loved getting my feet wet and letting my hair get all frizzy outside.  Its refreshing to feel the cool rain drizzle on my toes.  I relished in being outside, carrying on my grandfather's legacy by caring for nature.  He loved birds (sold exotic water fowl for a living).  I remember him waking up at dawn to go feed the ducks, geese, and peacocks.  Of course there was always something for the little guys too.  Some of the feeders he used are still being used by my parents today.

It's far too infrequent that I sit back and just enjoy the things God has given me.  A cool breeze; a head full of (thin) hair; a balanced budget that just seems to work (against all odds).  A wonderful husband.  A sweet smart boy to call my son.  So many things to be thankful for.  Grateful for.  I just need to slow down and breathe it all in.

grateful:

adjective

1.

warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received;thankful.

Fragmented thoughts of a foster mom

Some days are just hard. 

Some days I find it's harder to love her. I don't remember if I felt that wat about Micah. Like it was decades ago that he was a baby or something. 

Some days I honestly question why God led us to this place. Maybe He just made a mistake. He should have chosen somebody else. I don't have enough patience or endurance for this. 

But I know God doesn't make mistakes. 

It's just been one of those days. 

She starts screaming half an hour before her scheduled feeding time. Do I buckle down and feed her, or do I make her wait? And if I feed her early, will she wake up early? I honestly would prefer to sleep past 7:00am tomorrow. 

I'm a speech pathologist. I do feeding therapy with kids 0-3. I should know these things. 

But it doesn't come naturally when they are "your" kids. It just doesn't. 

Maybe it's just the CCMS drama that's causing so much stress in my life. When you get a foster care subsidy and the ENTIRE THING goes to child care, it's harder. At least with our last placement (two boys with fetal alcohol syndrome), I could come to the end of my day and say, "I made $25 for putting up with your crap today." Sorry. Brutal truth there. 

But I shouldn't think about the money. That's not why we started all of this. Maybe I just don't like buying clothes and diapers and doing free babysitting for someone else's kid. Is that outrageous? Maybe I just don't love enough. I don't have enough of Gods spirit in me. Certainly anyone who had God in their heart would never feel that way, right? 

Again with my patience. What was God thinking? I just don't understand. Not that I'm supposed to know everything. If I did, I wouldn't need God in the first place. 

I just need a massage. I need to sit on my rear and not think about anything. Not about cleaning the house. Or laundry. Or the leftover candy Nerds that are probably all over my kitchen floor. I need to do my nails again. Not that there's a point in doing them. I need a housekeeper so I don't have to worry about chipping my nails by doing housework. But I don't want someone else cleaning my house. What if they do it wrong? I love cleaning. It's a good stress reliever. And I obviously have some of that. 

How do stay at home foster moms put up with it all? Are their kids easier? They probably just love them more. I just feel like a babysitter. And I'm ready for the parents to come home so I can leave. What a horrible thing to say. 

Are all ministries this difficult? It's amazing we have any missionaries at all. If telling people in Africa about Jesus is anything like foster care, I'd be horrible at it. Most days I feel like a horrible foster mom. And maybe I am. Certainly a good foster mom wouldn't be so impatient or critical. A good missionary should be happy to do Gods work all the time, not just when it's easy. But that doesn't sound reasonable either. 

It's just hard, and I need a break. I'm ready for baby A to move on. I'd probably miss her if she left though. Any good foster mom should miss the kids when they leave, right? But I don't miss our last placement. At. All. 

It seems like I only feel this way when I'm about to start my period. Stupid hormones. Why should I have a period when I'm not going to have any more kids? I definitely still do NOT want to be pregnant. That wasn't fun. Hormones. It's kinda fun to say that word with a Spanish accent. Like hor-mo-nes! Dork. I need to watch something funny. Laughter is the best medicine. And we all deserve a good laugh once a day, I think. 

So when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. All I have in my fridge is limes though. Limemade, maybe? With lots of sugar. Maybe Splenda. It has fewer calories after all. 😉

Who needs two bladders, anyways?

No matter the situation, I always try to find a little humor.  That explains the title.

Last weekend I was a little puzzled as to why I didn't have much of an appetite - not even for my homemade chocolate chip cookies that I made.  On Sunday I stayed home with Micah because he was running a fever - and I ended up taking TWO naps that day and still felt exhausted.  Monday was fine, but still no appetite.  On Tuesday I was at the office in the afternoon and started having what I thought were gas pains.  Took some gas-x, but the pain got worse and worse.  I had to go home early and called Ray to get off work to go pick up the kids.  The pain was SO horrible I couldn't even stand up straight.  I almost went to the emergency room but waited to see if the pain subsided - and it did.  On Wednesday I felt like I had been run over by a semi.  I was weak.  I was dizzy.  Still no appetite.  I just felt ill.  Thursday was better; didn't really have pain until the afternoon when I (finally) went to see the doctor.  My doctor had imminent concern about my gall bladder - which is what I figured it was.  He tried to get a sonogram completed that day, but wasn't able to schedule anything until Friday morning.  The lady that completed my sonogram pushed on my side until I thought I would burst - it hurt so bad!!!

Of course - like just about all my health issues - all the blood work and the sonograms of my abdomen came back NORMAL.  But my doctor (who actually called me himself to share the results) is still convinced it's my gallbladder.  He advised that I go on a clear liquid diet (basically fast for two days, drinking only water) to see if that helps.  He really wanted me to go to the ER for further testing and see if surgery would be appropriate this weekend - but I was able to sneak away with fasting for two days and checking back in on Monday.

So here I am - still no appetite (which makes fasting easier), and the pain is just as bad as it was yesterday.  No difference.  Thankfully I'm still able to function, but can't lift anything heavy (like a Mr. Micah).  My mom informed me that Sjogren's can cause chronic gall bladder disease.

This year has been a doozy as far as my health and stress levels go.  I've been trying these past two weeks to schedule time off from work - and it looks like my scheduling didn't mean anything if I have to have emergency surgery.  Bah.  I'm just hoping I'll be well enough to do the music for vacation Bible school on the 11th.  Only God could make that happen!

I know I'm in His hands.  I know that whatever He's doing right now is for my good.  Yes, I'm in pain - even more pain than usual.  But I know He'll use this to bring Him glory and honor and to help others in the future.  I'm so grateful I have His promises to hold onto no matter what organs I have to give up.

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 

2 Corinthians 12:9

Six weeks in

It's be quite some time since I've posted much about anything.  Baby A has been with us for just over six weeks now.  I hope I never forget the night she came to us.  Ray put her in the baby swing as we filled out paperwork with CPS.  Her arms were flailing the entire time she was in that swing.  It was clear she had never been in one before.  She couldn't process the movement.  I offered a pacifier repeatedly, but she couldn't keep it in her mouth.  She would often cry frantically until she wore herself out - and nothing would stop the crying but herself alone.

The day after we got her was Wednesday, and I (as a brave soul) took her to church.  I had nursery duty that night, so I was able to stay in the nursery with her - as if that could have helped anything! Close to the end of service she started to lose it.  I offered a bottle - pacifier - swaddling - diaper change - everything I could think of, and nothing worked.  She had a GINORMOUS meltdown for the whole church to hear.  I admit I lost it too and started crying.  All I could think to do was hold her arms to midline, hold a pacifier in her mouth, and "shhhh" loudly in her ear.  After a few minutes of eternity, she calmed down.

The first three to four weeks are the hardest.  It took us a while to get to know each other; to get into a routine; to establish our patterns.  But baby A has made amazing progress since being with us.  For example:

1. She can hold herself up in a supported sit for about five minutes.
2. She can do tummy time for 30-45 minutes at a time. 
3. She's responding (and calming) to her name.  
4. She'll calm and stop crying when I walk in the room.  
5. She's holding her own bottle (with a little bit of help here and there).  
6. She's rolling onto her sides from her back.  
7. She can fall asleep by herself and hardly ever fusses.  
8. She doesn't need a pacifier - and often spits one out ;)
9. She will smile and drool all over you if given the chance.  
10. She's sleeping through the night (!!!!) 

I ask for deep, DEEP prayers for her mother.  I don't know her name and I've never seen her face; but I know she loves and misses her baby (certainly?) She hasn't made a single visit with baby A since she's been with us, but today she actually showed up at the CPS office for one!  It had to be rescheduled because baby A was in daycare - so hopefully mom will show up again tomorrow morning.  PLEASE pray for baby A's mom - that she'll get things in order - that God will restore the natural affection and responsibility she should have for her children.  

We've been asked frequently if we'll adopt baby A if it ever comes to that - and if God sees fit, we most certainly will!  Everything is in His hands and He is in control.  We've had a name picked out for years (even before we had kids) for a baby girl - either McKayla Joy or McKayla Christine.  Ray has always wanted a daughter named McKayla; and the middle name comes from a promise I made 15+ years ago to Joy (Bailey) Smith to name one of my kids after her.  I may not keep all promises, but I honestly intend to keep that one! 

God is in control.  He has lead us here.  He lead baby A to our home to bring us joy and remind me how much work a baby is (I asked for it, I know).  I hope we'll get to see her grow more and more; but I honestly hope more that mom will be able to get her back and stay on track.  After all - every mom, every dad - should be responsible for holding that title to its fullest extent.  Baby A is meant to be with her mommy; but if she isn't able, we will gladly step up in a heartbeat.  

Empathy with Baby A

I'm starting to see a trend with this whole foster business.

When we get a new placement, I honestly feel like everything else has to go on hold.  I find myself dreading going out in public because I honestly have NO IDEA how this certain child will do in public.

Unfortunately, life doesn't stop when you're a full-time-working foster mom.
Groceries still need to be purchased.
The church nursery still needs its worker.
Errands still need to be completed.
Dinner still has to be made - and I have to remember to eat.
But its hard.  And it seems like the only people who understand are those who have experienced it themselves - other foster parents.

It's not like having a baby.  People are sweet and compassionate and say, "congratulations!" But truly, its just
Hard.
And yes, I meant to capitalize the "H" there.

I didn't have nine months to bond with this baby.  She had never heard my voice until Tuesday.  I don't know how much she likes to eat - how often she used to be fed.  I don't know what position she likes to sleep in. Does she like a certain type of pacifier? (apparently so!) And it's become certain that she has NO control over her arms and legs when she gets upset.  Those limbs go crazy! And she can't calm herself down.

Day by day, it gets easier.  But when the baby screams her head off in the checkout lane at Kroger, I honestly just want to stick myself in the darkest hole and forget about it all.  Because people just don't understand.  Thankfully, and by God's grace, a sweet couple helped me out this evening.  Baby A was screaming and refused to take the pacifier.  I couldn't break out a bottle.  I couldn't change her diaper.  It all had to wait until I could pay for the dang groceries.

The older gentleman behind me offered to hold her for me while I paid the cashier.  If only he knew how much that truly meant to me.  He patted her back, told her it was okay.  His empathy made a world of difference for me.

It's so easy to feel so alone in the foster care world.  Because let's face it - you don't know a foster parent when you see one.  It takes the sharing of personal experiences - the opening of a heart - to understand there is someone that understands what I'm going through.

So if you see a young woman with a screaming baby the next time you go to the store - take a deep breath for her.  She needs it.  She needs your compassion.  She needs your empathy.  Just like I did today.  You never know how far a kind gesture will go.

Being a Bridge

The boys will be leaving tomorrow to live with their grandma.  The oldest jumped for JOY when I told him the news on Monday.  This is the fresh start that they've been needing - the one that we've been praying for!  We are so, SO excited for them.

The biggest reaction I get from people is one of, "oh, I'm so sorry!" or "that's so sad!" Our feelings are the exact opposite though! We are thrilled that they will be moving on in such a short period of time.  We hope that the transition to a better life will be an easy one for them.

But it isn't all cupcakes and roses in the foster world.

Part of the reasoning in our feelings is because it has been a HARD and challenging six weeks with our family of five.  Some think that having two foster kids and one bio kid is just like having three children that are yours.  But I've got to tell you - it is SO far from being the same.  In the "typical" way of having children, you have about nine months to bond with your baby - to sing to them in the womb, to get their room ready, to dream and dream about the life they will share with you.  Having foster children is nothing like that.  In both of our placements so far we were minding our own business, get a phone call, and two hours later have two more children to care for.  No idea what they like to eat.  No idea what allergies they have.  No idea what they like to wear.  If they've ever brushed their own teeth.  Ever been to the doctor.  Are they wearing underwear?  Scratch that - WHY aren't they wearing underwear?! Living a life that we know and are comfortable with, then caring for two complete strangers for an un-designated period of time. Foster care is HARD and it is STRESSFUL.  Especially for the newbies like myself.

With that in mind - I've been asked several times if we'll do the same thing again.  If we'll be open for the same thing or change our preferences now that we have gotten our feet wet.  At first my answer was to change our preferences - but foster care isn't about my comfort.  It isn't about us period.  It's about the children.

My Ray said it so appropriately  - "don't think about how hard it is for us; think about how hard it would be for them if we weren't here."

So.  True.  

So here we are.  I'm sure the house will be a TON quieter tomorrow.  I might get a little sentimental, but I'm trying not to be.  Keeping my focus - moving forward.  We will take a little break, then request to be put back on the openings list.  Then, we wait again.  Hopefully, this time for a GIRL that will steal my heart forever.

God has lead us here.  We are not alone.  He has brought us through the past six weeks.  God has helped us be the bridge that these boys needed when no one else would take them in.  Foster kids NO MORE.  And hopefully, with God's grace - never, ever again.

One Month In and FAQ's

Life with three children is busy.
Really, busy is an understatement.
The past four weeks have been full of stomach bugs, runny noses, diarrhea, coughing, and ear infections.  I've honestly already lost count with how many times I've been to the doctor in the past four weeks.  But it's probably better that way!

I've managed to balance *mostly* everything - work, school for the oldest, bus routes, daycare schedules, getting CCMS (childcare assistance), housework, etc.  Things are finally starting to calm down.  But then again - they told us in training that the first 30 days are the hardest.  And we've made it through.

Things are getting better.  Micah and oldest fight less.  Oldest has less breakdowns.  Youngest is playing independently and will cruise along furniture and explore his surroundings (as long as I'm nearby).  Youngest also says "mama," "dada," "na" for no, and has learned how to sign "more" and "all done."  Today the youngest actually refused food for the first time - a HUGE milestone for him.  Oldest has shared many stories over the past couple weeks.  Not happy stories.  Stories of experiences that even adults shouldn't witness.  It's enough to make your eyes wide - to make you astonished.  But you can't react that way.  You can't for a second make him think that everything he saw and experienced is wrong or bad - because it wasn't his fault.

Such fragile children.  So breakable, yet resilient.

I've gotten a lot of questions lately from numerous people, so I thought I'd lay out the more common ones here.

"How long are they going to be staying with you?"
I'm sure every foster family would love to know the answer upon placement - but truthfully, there are no definite timelines in foster care.  The typical goal is reunification with parent or next of kin.  For now, that is their plan.  The family has (at first) 6 months to follow the "plan" and get things in place.  If they don't make it, they could be given another six months.  My best guess would be that they will probably be with us for at least another six months to a year.

"Where are they when you're at work?"
The youngest along with Micah just go to our in-home daycare.  I bumped up the frequency to four days a week to give the boys more consistency.  The oldest attends pre-k five days a week, then goes to daycare afterwards.  I was SO grateful that the bus route worked out so I didn't have to change my work schedule at all.

Not a question, but a comment: "I don't think I could take care of a baby and then have to give it back.  I just couldn't do it." 
You have to understand something.  Just like you don't become friends with everyone you meet - you probably won't connect with every child you foster.  Also - the child ISN'T YOURS.  Technically, even a child that was born to you isn't yours.  Every child belongs and comes from God.  If you're being called to foster - let down the wall of selfishness that says "I won't be heartbroken" and open your heart to "I will love and care for the fatherless." That's what God commands us to do.

Before we got a placement, I got this one a lot: "So will you stay at home once you get kids in your home?"
Short answer: uh, NO.  Really?  I couldn't stay home with one kid, there's no way I'd stay home with three!  It isn't financially possible or necessary.  Thankfully, my work schedule hasn't changed.  I've had to take several hours off to take care of doctors visits, but other than that it's been smooth sailing.

"So can you request certain genders or ages?" 
Absolutely!  We were open to 0-5, any race, either gender, sibling group of two.  Siblings groups are the HARDEST to place; that's why we were open to them.  Our boys had to spend the night in the CPS office because nobody would take them.

I've told Ray that if we adopt these boys we're going to need a bigger car.  "Why?" he asks.  "Because I need my girl and our car won't fit four kids!"

I will have my girl someday.  I.  Will.

First Week

Oh good gracious readers.
It has been a long but fast week.
I have been stretched, pulled, and pushed in ways I have never experienced before.
This has been one of the most stressful weeks I have ever experienced.
It has taught me a LOT - but also worn me out.

If you consider the idea of fostering - you can basically take every thought, every belief, everything you know about child rearing - and throw it out the window.

Because these kids aren't normal.  They look their age - but they act half of it.  The five year old is essentially on the same level as our three-year-old Micah.  In a five year old body.  Makes for good playmates - but difficult for training.  And he needs SO MUCH training.

People tell me I'm "amazing." People say I'm "awesome."  I don't feel awesome.  I feel tired.  I feel unsure.  I feel discouraged often.  The only thing that keeps me afloat is my God - He never wavers, He never fails.  God called us here.  He tells me that I was made for this.  He tells me that His strength is made perfect in weakness - and I am weak people.

Last Friday I got the baby enrolled in daycare.  He started on Monday while I took the oldest to get enrolled in school.  We went to the WIC office on Monday as well to get formula for the littlest.  Monday night the oldest threw up seven times and couldn't even keep water down.  On Tuesday the baby had similar issues.  Finally by yesterday we were able to start a more "normal" schedule.  I shed a tear when the oldest got on the bus for school, and I waved goodbye.  Took the fosters to the doctor on Wednesday (also a new experience - two children on Medicaid in an office and having to fill our "required paperwork" for each doctor's visit).

For a type-A person like myself, change is not easy.  And I have been through a LOT of change this week.  It has been difficult, but a ministry is never easy.

Tomorrow is a new day....

Neglect's Ugly Face

I've discovered something since Thursday.

I've received so many "congratulations!" and "how exciting!" from so many people.  I understand why; we've worked SO hard for several months to get to this point.  It is exciting - but it's also scary, sad, and unfamiliar.

The only "congratulations" lies in the fact that the children are no longer in a dangerous situation.  They are SAFE and LOVED like they should be.  But truly - the circumstances that brought them here are anything but congratulatory.

These sweet boys.  I often ask God, "why me?"  There are times when I feel SO un-qualified to do this.  In the heat of the moment when the baby just will NOT STOP CRYING, it's easy to feel overwhelmed and under-qualified.

But God called us here.  I prayed fervently that God would send the right children to our home, and I know he did that.  But there are still challenges.

When the oldest starts smashing things and yelling.  When the youngest refuses to be put down for a second.

But the thing about children who have been neglected is there's a REASON behind every action.  If Micah starts yelling, I know he's probably just over-excited and needs to use his "inside voice."  When the oldest started yelling and covering his eyes upon every question, I knew there was something going on.  He didn't communicate to me that he had a headache and the noise was hurting his head.  Sweet boy.  He's probably had the same issue and no one ever listened.  I had to take the time to show him I care.  I'm here to meet his needs.  He will be taken care of here with no exceptions.

Baby probably cries when I put him down because he's terrified I'll leave him and never come back.  His cries aren't cries of fussiness - they are pure fear.  He's not even a year old and I hear fear in his cries.

They look normal.  If you saw them at first glance you wouldn't think of them any differently than a normal kid.  But they aren't normal.  Their history is tattered and full of broken promises.  You can't just earn that trust and build a relationship in a day (or two).  We will be working on "surviving" for the next couple weeks.

But I have hope.  By God's grace I have hope.  Micah and oldest get along super well - just like brothers!!! I have finally started to get a smile from baby's face.  His giggle is contagious.  I loved snuggling with the oldest during a movie tonight.  So many things we often take for granted as parents - but in these kids, they are extra precious and special.

God has lead us here.  We are not alone.  And even though I cried twice today because I thought I couldn't do it - God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Trusted

I find myself having the same feeling I had with the last placement.  Only this time the feeling is met with much more peace than our first placement (it was chaos, I tell ya!) These sweet children are like a night-and-day difference from our first placement.  I'm grateful for that.  I think God sent these littles our way for the weekend to give us hope and redefined purpose.  I can't help but have a reality check though.

These children don't know me.  Their parents don't know me.  Their parents will never meet me.  Yet - here we are, entrusted completely with their care and well-being.

It's an immense responsibility.  One I don't take lightly.

After putting the kiddos to sleep, foster B started coughing.  Of course - for every medication (prescription or non), "there's a form for that."  I at first waited to see if the coughing would subside, but it continued.  Then the thought came over me - "if it were Micah coughing, I would give him some Hyland's medicine."  It's homeopathic, so it's gentle enough for littles.  After thinking thus, I got out the medication log and gave foster B some.

Foster B melted into my arms as I tried to soothe.  Absolutely melted.

I admit - I am smitten.  Sweet children.  Just rough circumstances.

God has called us here.  We are not alone.  We are filled with renewed purpose.  Praising God for that.

A New Normal

Received a phone call shortly after arriving at church this evening.  It was just a "214" number that I didn't recognize, and immediately my heart begins to race.  I checked the voice mail left by the number to realize it was the agency.  I called the number back right away.  It was a lady calling about a placement for a four year old and a six year old.  Our "age cap" is listed as five in their database; but she called to ask just in case we were interested.  

I turned it down.  

Hard decision.  A split-second decision.  No time to pray about it.  Barely time to ask God, "should we?" in-between words uttered in the three-minute phone call.  I turned this placement down, but there will be more. Many more.  

After our ((crazy, hectic, stressful, messy)) experience last Saturday, Ray and I quickly realized that we have GOT to be more prepared.  That means having just about everything necessary for every age and gender BEFORE we get "the call."  We were grossly unprepared when we got the call on Saturday.  Since then we've got two car seats, more clothes, (thanks to Nana and Colleen), girls toys (again thanks to Colleen) and I snagged some newborn diapers from my office this morning.  

Still, you can never be fully prepared for a severely neglected child.  Will I know what to do with a child who is severely undernourished? Probably not.  Will I sweat trying to figure out how to get rid of head lice from a baby? Probably so.  

Foster care isn't pretty.  Neglect is depressing.  Abuse will make you cringe.  But we're not on the sidelines saying, "that's too bad."  We're not looking at it from afar and saying, "God bless those children."  No, we're in it now.  And we haven't even started.  

Our new normal is only starting to set in.  The normal where I have to have my phone with me at all times and answer at any and every unfamiliar "214" number (even during a speech visit - that happened today!) The normal of stacking up piles and piles of clothes for placements of any age and gender.  The normal of trying to figure out the car seat puzzle and squeeze three car seats in my five-seater car.  This is our new normal.  

But I wouldn't have it any other way.  

God has called us here.  God has led us here.  We are here to fulfill His purpose.  And for those reasons - it's all worth it.  

First Placement

Well. 

Today was quite the day. 

Woke up to a call at 4:00am asking if we'd be willing to take in two children. 

Less than two hours later, they were in our home. 

Very little information known about the children. Nothing but the clothes on their backs with them. 

I was overwhelmed by the generosity of Colleen, Erin, and Ray's mom today. They were a huge encouragement to me. I also appreciate everyone that PRAYED for us today. Many prayers were answered. 

At one point during the day, Ray came up to me and blatantly said, "I change my mind. I can't do this." 

Of course I looked at him like he was crazy. But a few hours later I was thinking the same thing. 

After the children were taken back into CPS custody, I asked Ray:

"Did you really want to quit?" 

"Yes", he replies. 

"But would you have really quit?" 

"No."

I told him I agreed with his feelings. There were several points during today that made me question what the HECK I was doing and what on EARTH was I thinking. 

If you want to add to your family the easy way, just get pregnant. 

Foster care is hard. 

But the children come from harder places than you'd ever possibly fathom. 

I felt like I was in survival mode all day today. It was truly some of the HARDEST 12 hours of my life. 

I won't lie - I was relieved when CPS came to take them home. They told us we'd have children like that. 

God called us here. This is a ministry. We have been called to do this. 

And through Him, we can do anything. 

On to the next call we go...

The end to the beginning

So we FINALLY got word today that we are a LICENSED FOSTER FAMILY! Of course, I cried after I got the news. The call came at the perfect time right after a visit. We started our journey on August 7th - and here we are, nearly six months later, staring the real adventure in the face.  Truly, our adventure has just begun. Once we get "the call," our normal will change forever. 

We face the reality that the children we care for will be broken. They will come from hard places that we can only imagine. 

We face the realization that these children may not know what love is. 

No one has ever told us that being a foster parent is easy - and we don't expect it to be.  

We face the possibility of having several children come and go before one steals our heart and actually comes up for adoption (only about half of them do). 

It will take a couple days for our agency to get us into the state's system as an "open" family. Once that happens (maybe by Friday), we can get a call at any time asking us if we're willing to take a placement. I can go to bed a mom of ONE and wake up as a mom of THREE (albeit possibly temporary). 

((An important and crucial note: my Facebook mention of the child(ren) will be very brief and limited because of confidentially. Their story is theirs to keep and not mine to share. We don't ask each other about our difficult pasts - please don't ask me about theirs.))

I am BLESSED beyond measure to be here right now. God took my broken heart of infertility and replaced it with a heart of purpose. 

God took my sadness and replaced it with jubilance. 

It is only because of HIM that we are here right now.  

To GOD be the glory!!! Can't wait to see WHO He has in store for us :)

 "For he that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is his name." Luke 1:49

Least of These

"Boys become kings,

Girls become queens,

Wrapped in Your majesty,

When we love, when we love the least of these. 

Then they will be brave and free,

Shout Your name in victory,

When we love,

When we love the least of these. 

We will love the least of these."

It came to my attention over the weekend that Micah has yet another ear infection. Poor guy keeps asking, "what? What you say mama?" Thankfully, my doctor called in an antibiotic to our pharmacy. Of course - our pharmacy didn't have it in stock, so they transferred it to Kroger. I figured I would just "pick it up real quick after my meeting" in the afternoon.

The plan was good at least. 

After waiting in line for thirty minutes, I FINALLY got his prescription.  By this point I was pretty peeved because I had lost thirty minutes of work time, which meant I'd be working late. 

I left the office just after 5:00, mumbling to myself about the "second home study" (as I've termed it) we have this Thursday. I was really just looking for something to complain about, I guess. I get in the car and KCBI starts playing "Kings and Queens" (lyrics above) by Audio Adrenaline. 

For those who don't know - when Ray and I started this mission we coined that song as the theme, of sorts. I hear it every now and then - but was especially blessed by it today. God knew I needed to hear that song again. He knew I needed a refresher as to the WHY we're going through this. 

If Micah's prescription hadn't taken forever - if I had left the office on time - I would have missed that song. 

I honestly got chills throughout my entire body as that song played. I blared that music as loud as I could - and with it, my singing got louder as well. I needed that, and God knew it. 

Renewed vision. Renewed purpose. Renewed joy. 

God makes all things new. He reminded me of that today. 

"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17

The Honey Lesson

I have this bad habit of buying a bottle of honey, using most of it, then buying another bottle "because it looks good." Up until yesterday I had four opened, partially-used bottles of honey in my pantry. Honey is amazing because it is the ONLY food (to my knowledge) that NEVER expires. Instead, when honey is exposed to varying temperatures (and over time in general), it crystallizes. When honey crystallizes, it's virtually impossible to get it out of the container. This is what had happened to three out of four bottles in my pantry. I decided it was time to finally de-crystallize the multiple bottles of honey in my pantry so I can USE them. 

I usually break out the honey and green tea when Micah gets sick - so I was able to use the rest of one bottle yesterday. For those who don't know - honey is an AMAZING all-natural sugar source and also aids in the relief of sore throats, coughing fits, and allergies. There are over 60 references to honey in the Bible. 

In order to de-crystallize honey, you have to dunk it in some hot water. One bottle of honey in particular needed REALLY hot water (the bottle on the far right). I boiled some water, then set it aside. I then put the bottle of firmly crystallized honey in the water. As I waited, I pondered - I think Christians can be like honey sometimes. God gives Christians the opportunity to be some of the most influential people in the world - making a difference for Gods kingdom. But - just like the honey - if we sit for too long in one place, we can get hardened and desensitized. We can get complacent. We get laxidazical. Sometimes God has to put us in some hot water to make us useful again - whether it be financial hardship, the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a job - God sometimes has to turn up the heat to restore our usefulness in Him once more. 

I LOVE how honey never expires - just like Gods love for us. He may have to "turn up the heat" in our lives sometimes - but all so we can be used for an even greater purpose than we can imagine. 

"My son, eat thou honey, because it is good; and the honeycomb, which is sweet to thy taste: So shall the knowledge of wisdom be unto thy soul: when thou hast found it, then there shall be a reward, and thy expectation shall not be cut off." Proverbs 24:13-14