My Normal is not Normal

Having lupus at a young age complicates many matters.
The biggest matter it complicates is my health.

I had a visit with my gynecologist today to check on Ms. McKayla (mind you, this is the third gynecologist I've seen this year).  She is doing well and has a strong heartbeat, which is comforting.  I didn't expect, however, to be so struck with sadness upon my doctor's recommendations in regards to delivery.

With Mr. Micah my pregnancy was pretty much smooth sailing.  The only complication I had was pre-eclampsia, which only occurred during labor.  To combat the high blood pressure, they gave me "mag," (magnesium sulfate), which slowed contractions.  To speed up contractions, they gave me "pit," (pitocin).  Pitocin has been known to cause "monster contractions," and that it did.  The pain could only be equaled to breaking your legs, waiting 60 seconds, then breaking them again.  I'm not exaggerating, either.  I dealt with and worked through that pain for 12 hours with Micah - and I think it spurred on the development of my lupus symptoms afterwards.  My body went through a huge amount of stress that day.

I knew going into this second surprise pregnancy that I would be considered "high risk" again, but thankfully like last time things are smooth-sailing so far.  Even the blood work that my rheumatologist completed a couple weeks ago that showed anemia, elevated liver enzymes, protein in my urine, elevated glucose, and inflammation/infection didn't concern my gynecologist today.  I'm grateful for this.

I had been expecting to deliver Ms. McKayla early, but only because of my moms birth history (which so far I've followed almost exactly).  When my doctor made the suggestion to be induced at 38 weeks, it wasn't exactly a new thought for me; but it was different hearing it being suggested by a doctor.

It may not sound like a big deal - many women get induced, get an epidural, and have a smooth delivery.  That's not my point.  The aspect that hurts is that I so badly want to be a normal pregnant women and give birth the way I want - to labor at home; to have a home birth; to give birth in a warm bath; to let my body do what it was made to do.  My doctor is open to this too, of course; but told me the reality that the chances of having high blood pressure only increase as my due date approaches. He wants to avoid the chance of complications - and so do I!  No doubt - having pre-eclampsia with Micah was miserable, and put both myself and Micah at risk.  Of course I don't want that for McKayla - but still, I just long to be normal.

Being young with lupus makes my "normal" completely different than everyone else's "normal."  My normal workout most days won't be running a mile; it'll be cleaning the house.  My normal amount of sleep will never be eight hours; it will have to be 10-12 (with no guarantee of feeling rested afterwards); my normal baby delivery will probably never be a home birth - and that hurts.  It's a broken dream that's hard to let go of.

My normal is not normal - and that's the hardest part of having lupus.


Choosing to give thanks to God today for a healthy baby and pregnancy - and praying for wisdom in regards to getting her in my arms - safe, secure, and healthy.